You’re probably wondering what the fake birthday is about.

About 40 years ago, one of my siblings was born in April, one day before my dad’s real birthday. And as the ultimate, sometimes wacky but always well intentioned matriarch of the family, my mother subsequently moved my dad’s birthday to March. Not only did she move it, but oddly enough, the new date (March 11) did not mirror my dad’s birthday (i.e., his real birthday is later in April, not April 11). Maybe there was a church conflict or something that year.

Anyway, it wasn’t until well into adulthood — when I needed my dad’s documents for something — that I discovered he was actually born in April. But to this day, I always consider March 11 to be his day.

Laurel and I spent a lot of time with my dad during the last 9 months of his life, though obviously, she doesn’t remember that time at all (she was 10 months old when he died). I learned so many lessons from him and every time I see how beautifully Laurel interacts with my mom or my in-laws I feel huge, irrepressible longing to have him here. When my dad was well enough, we spent a lot of time at the 70’s formica kitchen table that served countless Koh family meals. This picture is far from perfect; it’s kind of blurry and not well composed but Laurel’s expression cracks me up and I love seeing her and my dad in profile because she looked so much like him as a baby.

Happy birthday, dad — one fake day late (and over a real month early). I miss you terribly and I can only envision the chatter that you and Laurel would engage in now. She’s a talker, just like me.

Laurel and my dad, November 2004

]]> http://popdiscourse.com/2010/03/i-can-only-envision-the-chatter/feed/ http://popdiscourse.com/2010/03/brands-are-listening-but-is-the-hearing-selective/ http://popdiscourse.com/2010/03/brands-are-listening-but-is-the-hearing-selective/#comments Tue, 09 Mar 2010 14:19:38 +0000 Christine Koh http://popdiscourse.com/?p=1368 I would say that in general, I’m a positive person on Twitter, more prone to happy and humorous conversation than rant. But the other week, after receiving a bill from AT&T, I couldn’t help myself. I tweeted and Facebook’d:

Right after I finish this peanut butter cookie post I am flexing my wrists to write a strongly worded letter to AT&T. #fuming

I fielded some outraged Twitter and Facebook responses on the topic then went about my business. Then, within an hour, I received this tweet from @sethbloom, who handles blogger relations for AT&T via Fleishman-Hillard:

@bostonmamas Hey there. Sorry that you’re having trouble. Would love to try to get you some quick help with whatever’s making you fume.

This isn’t the first time I’ve tweeted about a brand without using an @ and had a rep respond quickly, but given that AT&T seems like a giant vortex, I was impressed. I emailed with Seth and he was just as pleasant and interested in resolving my problem as that tweet suggests.

So here was the problem: during my press trip to the Bahamas, though I didn’t use my Blackberry for phone calls, I did access the web a handful of times, perhaps a minute or two at a time. I honestly don’t remember accessing the web 10 times in the Bahamas (I’ve always found the Blackberry too slow for browsing) but there were 10 roaming charges, totaling $386.23. Five charges were 31 cents or less; the remaining five charges totaled $385.31, an average of $77.06 per use.

My issues? First, the charges seemed truly criminal in the sense that the punishment far outweighed the crime (seriously, an average of $77.06 for a couple of minutes of usage?!). And second, it seemed bizarre to me that there isn’t an interface between Blackberry/AT&T to notify users about these exorbitant roaming charges, such as a pop up warning similar to the warning I receive if I accidentally push the Push to Talk button on my Blackberry. We did receive an e-mail warning from AT&T about international charges, but not until the third day that charges were incurred (which also was the last day of usage), which I consider a communication fail compared to the way credit card companies (who I certainly don’t consider angels) contact you immediately in the presence of unusual activity — in my case, the first usage was a whopping $166.32 roaming charge.

The point is, because of this poor corporate-level communication, consumers suffer. And similar to our dealings with Blue Cross, this is the kind of experience that leads consumers to feel alienated and mistrustful of a brand. The vitriol I responded to on the web about AT&T and other large corporations certainly seemed to reflect that notion.

Seth quickly connected me to someone in AT&T’s social media department (interestingly, not customer service) and in one short and friendly phone call my immediate problem was resolved; the charges were refunded.

And I felt of two minds about it all.

First, I was impressed. Refund aside, I thought, damn, this is why brands should be engaged in social media. I’ve seen lots of brands use Twitter and Facebook fan pages beautifully to monitor conversations from customers and respond. I’ve seen companies translate negative feedback into loyal customers because the company was there, listening and acting. (Brands fearful of engaging in social media due to potential – inevitable, really – negative feedback should take note.)

Second, I felt troubled. Yes, I got my problem resolved. I was lucky that Seth was monitoring the brand on Twitter around the time I posted that tweet, but otherwise how much of the resolution was due to: a) my willingness and ability to communicate my concerns; b) the fact that I was spouting off on Twitter; and/or c) my alleged status as an influencer in this space? I will always be the consumer who is willing to take the time to stand up for my rights, but regarding b and c, though the social media world seems expansive to those of us in it, the reality is that it is not reflective of the majority. Not everyone has this platform from which to speak and I imagine that those who do take the time to stand up and fight (blogger or not) meet mixed results in resolution, and the rest end up eating unjust charges.

On Facebook, my friend Sarah aptly wrote that it’s “so much more efficient for [companies] to simply address the complaints from people who can be bothered to complain than to actually fix what’s broken in their system.” And my friend Julie pointed out (in relating her dealings recovering funds lost by Bank of America) that, “People could cure cancer in the time it takes BOA to research money of yours they lost. But go late one hour on money you owe them, they seize your firstborn child.” I agree on both counts; I can’t even begin to estimate the number of examples I have heard of big companies demonstrating that they clearly are business — not consumer — first, with inane practices that clearly seek to take advantage of the fact that most people are unwilling or unable to raise their voices for fair resolution.

So what’s my point? I will keep on doing what I’m doing — fighting back in the face of each bit of corporate absurdity I come across. But I’m also now pledging — and I hope you will consider doing so as well — to encourage friends and family to fight too; to even help write a letter or make a phone call for someone who doesn’t know where to begin. Because as far as I can see, the only way we’re ever going to get companies to fix their broken systems is to get so damned noisy with our complaints that it’s inefficient to do otherwise.

Finally, two additional bits of information:

1. For those in need of consumer advocacy resources, my friends Karen and Julie both referred me to Clark Howard’s website; I haven’t had a chance to check it out in detail yet, but Julie and Karen noted that the site includes a support group, complaint letter templates, etc.

2. If you’re an AT&T customer: until that useful pop up warning feature comes for exorbitant roaming charges…I asked AT&T for resources on how to handle usage during international travel. They passed along a link for their info hub for international travel as well as links for these four commonly asked questions.

However, I found it hard to stomach the immense nationalistic pressure that an event such as the Olympics breeds. Teens Rachael Flatt and Mirai Nagasu were reminded repeatedly that U.S. women have medaled in every Olympics since 1968. And Mao Asada and Yu-Na Kim’s home countries were relentless in their pressure; clearly translating the message that not only would gold be a win for the home team, but it would be a huge victory against the opposing country — drawing the two skaters into longstanding cultural conflict. One of the announcers said that both skaters deeply felt that anything less than gold was not good enough in the eyes of Japan and Korea, respectively.

And clearly, it was not. Mao Asada’s face says it all in these photos. Like this one, where the caption could very well read, “I am so scared to go home. I would do anything for this to be a different color.”

Image credit: Vancouver 2010

Or this one. When Mao Asada is happy she’s got a megawatt smile that lights up her whole face; this is a forced flicker.

Image credit: Vancouver 2010

The concept that it was not enough for Asada to make history with two clean triple axels in one program (also historically, three overall across the short and long) and receive an Olympic medal just seems like an absurd amount of pressure for little shoulders. And as a parent, my heart truly aches for her, and I worry about the emotional fall out she will experience from the Olympics.

In contrast, it’s notable that among the top contenders, only Canada’s Joannie Rochette was spared. Though Canadians are a more mellow bunch in general (I can attest to this; I lived there for a few years), the death of Rochette’s mother just days before the short program ended up casting a completely different light on the experience. Everyone seemed to be in agreement that it didn’t matter what the result was; it was hugely brave and amazing just for her to be there.

If only every one of these skaters was embraced with that level of acceptance and admiration.

Images from Vancouver 2010 figure skating.

When I started Boston Mamas I was in a crazy place. I was trying to work my way out of my postdoctoral fellowship emotionally and physically unscathed, forge a new career, navigate early parenting, and cope with the loss of my father. While I built Boston Mamas — in the wee hours of the night, still working at Harvard/MIT full-time — I operated in a bubble, churning out content like a crazy person (3-5 posts a day on my own…what was I thinking?) and basically powering through with my head down.

My head was so far down, in fact, that I didn’t really read other blogs. Yes, I had a lot of crap going on, but I totally didn’t get the karma thing. Or that the online community could very well have helped me see my way out of my emotional fog.

I did eventually catch on (though still, weirdly, I largely was a lurker…I’m a better commenter now), and then a real turning point for me was the inaugural Disney mom blogger’s mixer. Meeting that group of amazing women in real life was so powerful. And it made me realize that despite living so much of my life online, at the core, in real life matters enormously to me. So much so that with a few exceptions (I’m looking at you Asha), I tend not to become a regular reader of someone’s blog until I meet them in person and get a read on their vibe. It probably seems totally weird in this space but that’s just how I operate.

All of this is to say that being at Mom 2.0 was pure awesomeness because it not only allowed me to connect with friends I read regularly, but also meet folks who, as of Sunday, have my loyal readership. So without further ado, here’s my People You Should Read: The Mom 2.0 Edition post; recommendations for friends old and new from the conference. If you were where I was at in 2006 – powering through cluelessly without reading other blogs (oh wait, then why would you be here of all places?), then the below will offer excellent fodder for exploration.

5 Minutes for Mom. Because Susan’s energy astounds me. And she’ll ever be my shopping BFF.

A Southern Fairytale. Because Rachel has a lively spirit, mad cooking skillz, and a keen photographic eye through which she even can make my bunion-ridden feet look artful.

Alpha Mom. Because Isabel knows everything. Period.

Blog Con Queso. Because Laura gracefully managed to assemble 350 conference attendees under one roof and inspire us all.

Cecily Kellogg. Because you can’t help but be intrigued by someone who can pull so many random objects out of her cleavage.

Chookooloonks. Because Karen has remarkable magnetism and talent that is pervasive online and in real life.

Design Mom. Because Gabrielle not only is brilliantly creative, but she somehow manages to make you feel like you’re the only person in the room when you’re talking to her.

doobley-vah. Because Amy somehow manages to be an eloquent poet and artist, even when she’s swearing like a sailor.

Dooce. Because even though Heather is the most famous blogger on the planet, she remains grounded; we only met briefly, and she was truly lovely.

Faint Starlite. Because Esther tackles deep personal and professional matters with remarkable thoughtfulness.

Finslippy. Because in addition to sporting perfectly applied lipstick, Alice is a beautiful writer and an utterly lovely person.

Girl’s Gone Child. Because Rebecca is fun, passionate, and inspiring. Because of her session, I’m thinking of dabbling in the world of video. (One microstep closer to my father’s dream of me becoming a talk show host.)

Gwen Bell. Because Gwen’s social media smarts are so impressive, and she makes you want to meditate on the spot.

Her Bad Mother. Because we recovering academics need to stick together.

Joy Unexpected. Because Yvonne’s words and photographs are just as expressive as her amazing eyes.

Julie Pippert. Because Julie is incredibly thoughtful and articulate. And she uses rating scales appropriately.

Lisa Stone. Because I could talk to Lisa for hours. What a smart and lovely person.

Make and Takes. Because Marie makes even non-crafty people feel comfortable crafting with their kids.

Mamma Loves. Because Amie is, in fact, awesome in the now (not just in the 80’s).

Marketing Roadmaps. Because Susan gets off (her words) on distilling important regulatory information that the rest of us can barely comprehend.

Mediamum. Because Jo has a wonderfully strong point of view, which she delivers in that delicious Aussie accent.

Mighty Girl. Because Maggie is smart, stylish, and utterly adorable. She’s another one of those people who focuses their attention right on you in the moment.

Mom-101. Because Liz’s personal and professional posts alternate between being funny as hell, moving, or illuminating (and sometimes all three at once). Also, she’s the kind of friend who takes you under her wing if she detects you might be lost in a headwind.

Momtrends. Because Nicole is thoughtful and speaks her mind while (of course) being beautifully on trend.

Motherhood Uncensored/Mominatrix. Because Kristen breaks Asian Nation boundaries with her raw and hilarious writing about family and sex. (It’s particularly good reading for us waspy New Englanders.)

Petit Elefant. Because Allison creates awesome inspiration boards. And she carries off the looks in person too.

Pundit Mom. Because Joanne knows about and can analyze the issues beyond what I could ever dream of doing.

Red Neck Mommy. Because no one crafts a PR response like Tanis.

Rock and Roll Mama. Because Lindsay truly rocks her niche, while also stretching beyond it.

Suburban Turmoil/She’s Still Got It. Because Lindsay is truly gifted at both satirical and style writing. (Warning: considerable credit card damage ensued in February due to discovering her style blog.)

The Bloggess. Because Jenny’s the Czar of Nothingness. But she’s wonderfully everything too.

The Mom Slant. Because Julie makes you think. About the hard stuff you otherwise might shy away from.

Tip Junkie. Because I can’t help but align with a fellow tip junkie (or should I say the tip junkie?). Also, turns out one of Laurie’s neighbors in Texas is a good friend of mine from high school. Weird.

Clumber Kim, Laurie Writes, Mommy Melee, Sarah and the Goon Squad, & Woulda Coulda Shoulda. Because my interactions with Kim, Laurie, Maria, Sarah, and Mir were brief but I fell in love with them immediately.

Jenny on the Spot, Mamaista, Mom it Forward, Mom Spark, & Multitasking Mommy. Because Jenny, Elina, Jyl, Amy, and Jodi were good sports (and are lovely people) and consumed my pasta without complaint.

Sassafrass & Foodmomiac. Because Jessica and Danielle are adorable and I’m psyched to rock the Eat. Blog. Run. relay with them.

And a few final recommendations:

Gretchen Rubin and Katherine Center. Because they write amazing books and are truly lovely in person.

Laurie Smithwick. Because she’s lovely, down to earth, and is a gorgeous designer. (And she didn’t cringe when I told her I’m a self-taught designer.)

Emily McKhann. Because she and Cooper Munroe are amazing community builders.

I’m sure I’m going to kick myself later today for forgetting someone amazing. Please chalk it up to Olympics-induced sleep deprivation. I adored connecting with all of these women and more at Mom 2.0 Summit and I’m already looking forward to next year.

Finally, again, huge thanks to Care.com for making this trip possible financially, and also to my in-laws for taking care of Laurel while I was gone. I couldn’t have done it without both of these wonderful parties!

However, if pressed to expand on the Mom 2.0 = Awesomeness equation, I would edit it to read:

Mom 2.0 = Awesomeness = ((Happiness x Thoughtfulness x Quality x Meaningful Engagement)^2.0) – (Excessive Quantity + Any Drama Whatsoever)

Can you tell I logged several years at Harvard and MIT?

Now, allow me to address each piece of the equation in turn:

Mom 2.0 = Awesomeness =

Happiness. Gretchen Rubin was one of the keynote speakers and she is truly amazing — humble, smart, and kind. I bought a copy of the The Happiness Project at Mom 2.0 and started reading it on the plane ride home and adore Gretchen even more. Happiness truly matters, as was so very evident through the laughter and hugs translated throughout the conference. One night at a Mexican dinner out with friends we all laughed so hard that we literally were in pain. I welcome that kind of happiness pain any day.

Thoughtfulness. An extraordinary amount of thoughtfulness clearly was put into this conference. The details ranged far and wide (and some will be covered in points below). However, one telling example was a session led by Gwen Bell. She started by asking everyone to sit back from their laptops and smartphones, close their eyes, breathe deeply, and attend to the present moment. Though we weren’t always meditating, that degree of awareness and thoughtfulness was pervasive throughout the conference.

Quality. Similar to the thoughtfulness component, quality was evident throughout. And I found it particularly well reflected by the keynote panel including Heather Armstrong, Maggie Mason, and Gabrielle Blair. These women discussed a number of issues related to bloggers and brands, but what I found particular beautiful was the closing message of quality over quantity, particularly given that I am a firm believer that metrics are not indicative of the full picture. In fielding an attendee question about influence and numbers (from the perspective of a “small” blogger), Heather responded that it doesn’t matter how many followers you have. If you are involved, you are powerful; if you are engaging at all, you are influential. And Gabrielle followed to emphasize that it is not necessarily about the numbers, it’s about the quality of engagement. So true.

Meaningful Engagement. Speaking of engagement, Mom 2.0 is about fostering an open conversation between moms and marketers. And I was impressed by the examples of brand engagement I participated in. First was the Nintendo Wii Fit Plus^TM yoga suite, which offered attendees an opportunity to engage in self care while learning about the product in an impressively appointed space (note to self: Buddha statues go a long way in making a conference room feel zen). Second, I was impressed by the Barilla dinner event. Admittedly, I was a little skeptical before going, unsure of what to expect, but it was more than a schmoozing dinner. Not only was it fun to hear from the passionate Barilla team about their Share the Table initiative, but then we engaged in that very practice with one person from every table cooking a pasta dish for the other members of the table. I was our table’s cook and there truly was a lot of love and joy in being able to share the table with friends.

All of the above raised to the ^2.0 of course, minus:

Excessive Quantity. I adored that this conference was purposefully swag light. Yes, there were welcome tote bags with a few things inside, but it was compact and thoughtful and then it was up to the attendee to check out the expo if they were interested in samples. I did not want or need more stuff so I went through the expo simply to thank the sponsors and learn more about what they were offering. It was perfect.

Any Drama Whatsoever. A tweet by Mir Kamin inspired me to add this last piece (or rather, non-piece) to the equation. I actually hadn’t thought about lack of drama because the conference sailed along so smoothly free of it. The organizers of Mom 2.0 deserve huge kudos for constructing things so beautifully, as do the attendees, for focusing on what matters: content and conversation with others.

I have additional thoughts about interpersonal engagement that I hope to share soon in a follow up post. Meanwhile, I wanted to express my gratitude to my generous sponsor Care.com for making this trip possible financially, and also to my in-laws for taking care of Laurel while I was gone. And this photo — taken by the utterly lovely Gabrielle Blair — is a fitting close for this post. Awesomeness is what I asked Katherine Center to write on my arm at the Mom 2.0 art exhibit.

Image credit: Gabrielle Blair

But over the last few months, Laurel has changed. Whether it’s simply a function of age or the growth and change associated with kindergarten, her confidence has bloomed and she has come out of her shell. Though she remains cautious around strangers (something I’m actually glad for), she’ll now say hello to checkout clerks. Previously one to cling to my hand, she’ll now run many paces ahead of me en route to the playground. And we now can do drop off playdates with friends and she’s happy as a clam, often begging for a sleepover by the end of the date.

And on Wednesday she ran into my in-laws’s arms with a brief wave, smile, and “goodbye mommy” to me.

And no tears.

Except for mine.

We met up with my in-laws so Laurel could spend a few days of February vacation with them. My in-laws adore Laurel. She spent her first overnight with them after Christmas (she sobbed when we left but ultimately recovered quickly and had a great time). After that, my in-laws asked for more time with her over February vacation. This not only was awesome in general (for the first time we’re navigating the world of public school vacations following the luxury of year-round day care), but it allowed me to book for Mom 2.0, which otherwise wasn’t going to happen without help, since the last couple of weeks have been a bit crazy, with travel to Blissdom and the Bahamas.

And the love goes both ways. When we connected with Jon’s parents, Laurel leapt into their arms. And when it was time to say goodbye, I was the one clutching her, covering her face with kisses. Ironically, Laurel did what the teachers always advised us to do on departure; she made the goodbye short and sweet and moved on.

She looked so, so happy.

As Jon and I watched Laurel walk away with my in-laws — giggling and without so much as a glance over her shoulder — my eyes filled with tears. My girl was growing up. The easy detachment and independence that I had long yearned for was finally here. I stood there waiting for her to turn around.

She didn’t.

And oh how I ached to have her run back into my arms for one more hug.

In vaguely chronological order: