On the plane ride home from Vegas on Sunday, I was seated next to a man who repeatedly pushed my buttons. Some examples:
1. Our takeoff was delayed because Air Force One was landing. To which the man replied, “F*ck that! Another f*cking reason to hate Obama and not vote for him!”
2. When a couple of fellow passengers erupted in laughter during the flight, he said, “They sound like f*cking retards [insert sound of taunting, imitative laugh].”
3. During the crew’s announcements, he said “Shut the f*ck up already!” He also never turned off his electronics despite repeated asks from the crew.
4. The man was all over his girlfriend during the flight. Thankfully nothing past first base. But still.
So many thoughts ran through my head. I thought about the vitriol that erupts around election time and how not black and white it is to support Obama or Romney. I thought about Tanis and Ellen and how much I hate when people use the word retard. I wondered whether this guy looked at me when I sat down and thought, “Oh great, a f*cking chink. I hate those people.” [You have no idea how hard it was for me to type that painful childhood slur.] I felt self conscious about the fact that I had Japanese take out with me.
I also felt angry. Angry about the derisive comments. Angry for feeling self-conscious about my Japanese takeout. And guilty. Guilty for not saying anything, particularly regarding the retard comment. But part of it was self preservation. Did I really want to pick a fight with my rowmates of the next 5 hours? Did I really want to pick a fight when I was fairly certain that whatever I said would not shift his perspective? On the other hand, was I losing an opportunity to open a dialog, enlighten, educate? Was I doing a disservice to friends like Tanis and Ellen, who have championed hard against the use of the word retard? I sat there nagged by anger and guilt. I also found myself overcome by the odd desire to find an opening to interact with the man; to find redeeming qualities. (Because I’m a glass half full kind of girl who repeatedly repeats her therapist’s mantra that the world needs all kinds of people.)
I ultimately did see another side to this man. In addition to the persistent making out and cursing (not at the same time), this man also said “please” and “thank you” when the flight attendants offered beverages. He smiled at me and said “excuse me” when he got up to go to the bathroom. He touched my shoulder to let me know he needed to scoot back in. I heard him speak affectionately on the phone to a friend when the flight touched down.
And as the flight wore on (believe me, it felt like an eternity), it became clear to me that, like the election, defining him wasn’t a black or white issue either. But I’m still nagged, wondering whether I should have said something to him. Would you have?
Personally, I save my advocacy energy for people I think are most likely to listen — good people who just have gone wrong on one particular issue. With a guy like this, I wouldn’t even bother unless I was in the mood for a fight (and I don’t think I’d ever be in the mood for a fight in a place where I couldn’t easily escape or retreat if it went wrong).
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I wouldn’t have said anything, but like you, I would have wondered if I should have. But I give you credit for looking for a different side to him.
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Given that you were in an enclosed space with no way out for a sizable amount of time, not saying anything was probably the wisest thing to do. Who knows how people are going to react? And by posting the blog, you have made others aware… Hard to admit, but you can’t fix everything.
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Wow. Guy seems like an equal-opportunity hater. I agree that saying something in the moment would have been hard given the situation. One thing I’ve found that’s helped in general is that I don’t always call people on their words right then and there, when my tone of voice might sound irritated and/or they can get defensive. I once walked home from the train station with a neighbor who used the word. At the end of the walk I turned to her and said, “Listen, I just needed to mention that when you used the word ‘retard’ before it made me really uncomfortable because it’s a derogatory word.” She immediately apologized. Granted, this was someone I did know. Perhaps once the plane landed and you were about to disembark you could have said something to the guy about the word offending you. But don’t let this haunt you!
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Christine Koh Reply:
October 3rd, 2012 at 10:33 am
Means the world to me to hear this from you Ellen. xoxo
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There’s no way I’d have said anything to him while trapped on an airplane. My personal safety (and the others around me) will always trump advocating. But, upon disembarking, if he made eye contact and the opportunity presented itself, I probably would have. But only if I felt safe. I can’t change the minds of everyone I come into contact with. But I like to think that for all the people I haven’t reached, there is someone out there I have. Change has to start someone. Even with just one person.
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Christine Koh Reply:
October 3rd, 2012 at 10:33 am
Yes, that’s definitely a half glass full way to look at it! Thank you, pal.
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Excuse all those typos by the way. My brain is fried and my fingers are clumsy.
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As you say, five hours is a long time to be stuck beside someone…deciding to engage with that person re: his vitriol could backfire in a huge it sucks-to-be-stuck-on-this-plane way. I doubt I would have said anything…although…I might have gone totally passive aggressive on him with sighs and harrumphs each time he said something offensive.
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Dammit this is a good post. I have encountered this kind of thing TOO MANY times in my life. When I am by myself, I usually let it go. For much of the same reason you did. Because it would become a fight. Because it would make them even angrier. Because it would make me angry. And you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry (well, maybe you would, but certainly not my target).
Once, however, I was with my son, and the guy was telling his wife “I hate how all these chinks have moved into our neighborhood.” (I know how hard it was for you to write that – about as hard as it was for me). That is when I had to speak up. I did not want my son hearing this, nor did I want him to see me NOT standing up for what’s right. In the end it didn’t change the way the guy thought, but it showed my son the right thing to do. Sometimes, that’s even better.
I loved this post.
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Christine Koh Reply:
October 3rd, 2012 at 10:35 am
Jim, I want to say that I cannot believe that someone said that right in front of you and Fury, but, well, sadly I can believe it. And I think that’s absolutely the approach I would take with Laurel. Thank you for sharing!
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I wouldn’t have said anything either. Instigating an argument on a long flight would probably have been a recipe for disaster. But I, too, have been in these sorts of situations, and I when I haven’t spoken up, I’ve felt terrible. I would like to think, though, that there will be other sensible people who will run into your seat mate under better conditions to talk about his attitudes.
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I would’ve just tweeted about what an asshole he was and stayed otherwise silent.
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This post is a rollercoaster for me. I would have wanted to say something, but I wouldn’t have. I can’t handle the confrontation and I’m not sure I ever will. But you ARE doing something now- by sharing the story and hopefully the right person who needs to hear this message will.
xoxo
Steph
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Christine Koh Reply:
October 3rd, 2012 at 10:36 am
Thank you Steph. I hope so too… xo
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I’m with BusyDad – what a great post! I probably wouldn’t have said anything, knowing what a long 5 hours it would be if it went awry. And like you, I would have also felt guilty about it. But what the others said is true…save it for someone who might actually listen and hear you. And I agree – so good of you to find the good in him. One of my favorite songs has the line “But there’s so much good in the worst of us, so much bad in the best of us…it never makes sense for one of us to criticize the rest of us”. Not to say we shouldn’t speak up at racism and generally jerkiness
but that nobody is all bad or all good. (But to be honest, that first anti-Obama crack would have had me seething at him for the whole ride! LOL!) 
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It’s also tougher with the girlfriend there, since he already has someone to talk to. But I’ve struck conversations with people like this, just to calibrate my reprehensibility gauge.
Then I decide whether to veer into semantics. If he’s an inveterate bigot, there’s no use trying to plant a seed in arid soil.
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I was in line at my son’s band invitational, waiting to get icees, and the two tween girls behind me where all n***a this and n***a that. I wanted to badly to turn around and verbally – no, maybe even physically – smack them down.
Instead, I tweeted about it.
I am what’s wrong with America. I wish I had set a better example for my son that day. You’ve just reminded me that maybe I need to be more courageous. Of course, I wasn’t stuck in a flying metal tube with them. i think you made the totally correct choice.
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