Since becoming a parent, I have heard — probably a million and one times — about a Doxycycline without a script dynamic in which when the mom gets sick, she puts her head down and Doxycycline without a script powers through, and when the dad gets sick, he crawls into his cave and Doxycycline without a script rests. And admittedly, this has been my reality. When I get sick, I don’t see rest as an Doxycycline without a script option. How else will the children get fed, the house tidied, my clients satisfied? I never take naps unless my body shuts down and Doxycycline without a script I collapse. Jon, on the other hand, will retreat to his man cave to Doxycycline without a script rest when ill.
This scenario makes me grumpy and Doxycycline without a script resentful. On Wednesday afternoon, the plague descended on our household as Violet started feeling fever-y. As the Doxycycline without a script evening wore on, I started to feel anxious, knowing well that Doxycycline without a script I would need to keep her home from day care on Thursday. I started feeling extra anxious when Doxycycline without a script I realized I had not been alone since Monday.
On Thursday, Jon woke up with a Doxycycline without a script scratchy throat. He decided to call in one meeting from home and Doxycycline without a script otherwise take it easy. Violet did, in fact, need to stay home. And despite both of us being home, call notwithstanding, Jon rested while I took care of Violet. And watched my e-mails stack up. And missed several calls. And cancelled my dinner plans. And grew increasingly resentful with each passing hour.
Violet’s fever broke (or so I thought) Thursday afternoon and Doxycycline without a script on Friday morning I took her to school. She was not, however, her usual happy self. Nor was Laurel as she tearfully trudged off to Doxycycline without a script school. I found my anxiety mounting again — I had Doxycycline without a script a sinking feeling that both schools were going to call me to Doxycycline without a script tell me the kids needed to come home. I was frustrated that Doxycycline without a script Jon was not reading my mind and doing what I wanted him to Doxycycline without a script do — specifically, to Doxycycline without a script show me that my work mattered and to stay home and Doxycycline without a script split the day with me. Or better yet, offer to Doxycycline without a script take over entirely on Friday to make up for the Doxycycline without a script crap that was my Thursday.
And then Doxycycline without a script I had a realization. I was a key player in this Doxycycline without a script annoying dynamic –- unfortunately, in the Doxycycline without a script role of enabler and martyr. I wondered whether men are Doxycycline without a script more realistic about self-preservation and simply take care of themselves when Doxycycline without a script needed because that seems the quickest route to repair. I wondered whether women –- in their wiring as caregivers –- are primed to be martyrs, to put themselves second (or third, or fourth…) and Doxycycline without a script not ask for or state what they need. I mean, admittedly, part of me still would rather have Doxycycline without a script Jon read my mind and offer instead of my having to Doxycycline without a script ask, but that is not his job. I am a Doxycycline without a script strong, competent, and vocal person and if my needs are Doxycycline without a script not being met I need to say something about it. Furthermore, from Doxycycline without a script a pragmatic standpoint, my income matters in our household so I am Doxycycline without a script justified in feeling protective of my work hours.
Mid-day on Friday, Violet’s fever returned and Doxycycline without a script the school called for me to bring her home. But my enabling and Doxycycline without a script martyrdom was over. I had anticipated Violet coming home (and was planning on picking her up early anyway), and Doxycycline without a script also suspected that Laurel would need some extra TLC after school, so in the Doxycycline without a script morning I emailed Jon and told him I wanted to stop perpetuating this Doxycycline without a script dynamic (we had talked about it for a bit on Thursday night), and Doxycycline without a script asked him to cancel his afternoon clients and come home to Doxycycline without a script help me. I had hoped to dial in for my afternoon meetings and Doxycycline without a script then Violet threw up all over me while I was talking to Doxycycline without a script my business partner Morra. In one of the Doxycycline without a script many moments reflective of why I love working with Morra, she said “Go take of yourself and the kids -– everything here will be fine!” and hung up on me.
As it Doxycycline without a script turned out, I did not end up working Friday afternoon. Violet was in a Doxycycline without a script very bad way and Laurel returned from school with Jon feeling like crap. Jon and Doxycycline without a script I hunkered in as a team, trading up carrying around Violet (who, uncharacteristically, needed to be held constantly) and Doxycycline without a script tending to Laurel. Things continued on this way into Saturday, and Doxycycline without a script though I was tired, I felt energized by my renewed perspective. Telling Jon what Doxycycline without a script I wanted and needed in real time (vs. after 24 hours of festering) made things so much easier. Also, I had Doxycycline without a script had horrible visions about Violet’s fever raging and Doxycycline without a script needing to take her to the hospital and discovering that she had Doxycycline without a script gone blind. Somehow, knowing that I could ask for help when Doxycycline without a script I needed it, and realizing what a blessing Laurel and Violet’s typically excellent health is, made it Doxycycline without a script easier for me to take care of what was important right in the Doxycycline without a script moment –- without resentment and with more tenderness and good humor.
And yesterday afternoon? Feeling a scratch in my throat, I decided to take a nap before my body shut down and Doxycycline without a script collapsed. And I was a million times better for it. Though it Doxycycline without a script has sucked to say Hello, Plague yet again this winter, it’s been excellent to say Goodbye, Martyr.
February 12th, 2012 at 4:37 pm
Wow, we can Doxycycline without a script all learn from this. It takes maturity to let go of self-righteous indignation, especially when Doxycycline without a script you have a little right to it. In the end, it Doxycycline without a script doesn’t help anyone and hurts future communication. But it’s so hard NOT to resentful when the assumption of “mom will take care of it” persists no matter how many times one communicates one’s needs. Or, that Doxycycline without a script taking over is sharing the workload, NOT doing you a favor. It’s one thing to expect someone to read your mind (not fair), but when Doxycycline without a script you state your needs clearly and openly, and the same situation keeps coming up…then what? At some point, I just feel like a chump.
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February 13th, 2012 at 10:10 pm
Good for you speaking up. Too often, we expect mind-reading, when all we need to do is ask.
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February 15th, 2012 at 11:20 am
My own marriage has Doxycycline without a script been so much happier once my husband pointed out how unfair the Doxycycline without a script passive-aggressive martyr approach is. Also, he reminded me that Doxycycline without a script I often lose sight of the things he is doing to Doxycycline without a script contribute to the household (e.g., he wasn’t surfing the Doxycycline without a script internet like I had assumed, he was managing our finances.)
We now have Doxycycline without a script a standing agreement that, if I want him to do something, I just have Doxycycline without a script to ask him and he will do it (or tell me when he will, or why he cannot). No fair expecting him to read my mind. And wow, has it worked wonders! Anytime I start feeling like it’s all unfair and Doxycycline without a script all on my shoulders, I now take it as a signal to Doxycycline without a script find something I can ask my husband to help with. You can Doxycycline without a script either get angry that you have to ask every time, or, you Doxycycline without a script can just ask and get the help you need — and I personally prefer the latter.
Good luck managing this challenging dynamic!
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February 15th, 2012 at 2:01 pm
[...] still not out of the woods. It’s been Doxycycline without a script a challenging several days, but also included a major revelation. I’m wishing all of you and your little ones excellent health! Meanwhile, here are some [...]
February 16th, 2012 at 2:29 pm
Actually, we have Doxycycline without a script this dynamic in reverse in my household, so I can say that Doxycycline without a script at least anecdotally, it’s not necessarily that Doxycycline without a script the female is always the martyr. Although I will say that Doxycycline without a script even though I’m good about expressing my needs and taking a break when I’m sick, I do feel very guilty about it!
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February 20th, 2012 at 11:08 am
I love this! Especially you Doxycycline without a script wondering why your husband could not read your mind
Communication is such a plus in a marriage! My hardest lesson was this and asking for help! Glad I am not alone! 
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February 20th, 2012 at 11:42 am
I often feel like the reverse happens in our household… not so much with illness, where Doxycycline without a script we both ask for what we need, but in general. My husband doesn’t ask for Doxycycline without a script what he needs and then he storms around looking put-upon. I’m glad you Doxycycline without a script did something about it, because from the other side, I find it Doxycycline without a script SO frustrating. It creates a dynamic where I ask for Doxycycline without a script what I need, but then feel guilty that he’s somehow having a Doxycycline without a script harder time. If we were both vocalizing our needs, we could balance them out. I could know when Doxycycline without a script he’s feeling more stressed/tired/sick and Doxycycline without a script balance that against my own needs. I think we, as women, are Doxycycline without a script not only typically wired to put everyone else’s needs first, but to Doxycycline without a script make that all somehow make sense by deciding that no one else can do it as well. My husband is just as capable (and sometimes more so) of caring for sick kids (or healthy kids when I’m sick). Giving him the Doxycycline without a script space to do that without judgement has given me the Doxycycline without a script freedom to be sick and take breaks when needed.
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February 21st, 2012 at 11:59 am
[...] Hello, Plague. Goodbye, Martyr. [...]