When Violet was born, I was vexed by the persistence of formula companies. I tossed the frequent mailings and coupons in the recycling. I returned the welcome gift that our pediatrician’s office gave me — a formula gift pack, oddly bestowed upon me after they asked whether I was nursing and I said yes. I stuck the samples that arrived by mail in my closet, figuring I would pass them along to someone at some point.
And now I’m writing this post, staring at those formula samples, which made their way from my closet to my desk last week.
Because I’ve been thinking about transitioning Violet to formula. And pretty much beating myself up about it. And from the number of moms I have talked to about this situation (one who confided that she wept the first time she fed her baby formula), I’m not the only one. Just yesterday, my friend Kristen posted about this very issue (which motivated me to finish this post…which has been in draft mode for a week).
I am committed to nursing. I nursed Laurel and Violet exclusively until exactly 6 months, then started introducing solids. I continued to nurse Laurel until she was just shy of 13 months. Violet will turn 9 months next week and I am still her exclusive milk source. I’m fortunate in that nursing actually is easy and convenient for me (Violet is a fast eater) but I also work and travel and despise pumping. I have hauled my pump through airport security several times while traveling for business. I even went to the trouble of searching for a mom in need when I went to Camp Mighty so I could pump and donate my liquid gold. And while I felt happy (and probably somewhat virtuous) for having done that, as I said goodbye to those 50 ounces, part of me was thinking, Sh*t, I wish I could take this home. Because by the time I get home my milk store will be almost empty.
And I need that milk store. I travel for work periodically and Violet goes to day care and it is stressful in and of itself to try to replace what Vi is consuming while at day care, much less banking extra for future travel. The other day, when my yield was low and I desperately started massaging (OK, vigorously squeezing) my breasts in an attempt to render more milk, I thought, This is insanity. I am so. over. this.
But my brain is stuck. I have had countless people (including Jon) tell me to get over it -– that I have given plenty. That I will continue to give plenty my whole life. And while intellectually, I know that this is true, I’m still struggling. With the idea of not giving to Violet the same as I did to Laurel. With the knowledge that Violet’s food source will become less pure if I start her on formula. With the dread of bracing myself for allergies or anything else in response to the formula. (Vi just recently recovered from a horrendous full body rash that I think was due to a mango allergy…and yes, one might point to the irony that I was feeding her organic mango that I steamed and pureed and froze into little nuggets myself.)
Health and bonding arguments aside, I wonder whether part of the formula stigma relates to semantics — if incorporating formula would be easier if formula was simply called milk. Formula sounds so sterile and chemical, so cold and calculating and unsnuggly. But really, if Vi is drinking from a bottle, she will in fact be snuggled while she’s being fed, whether it is breastmilk or formula.
Maybe formula should be called SnuggleMilk.
I was hoping that writing this out would help me feel resolved one way or the other. As it stands, the formula continues to sit on my desk, staring back at me. I don’t know if I will use it but I want it there as an option. One that I will not feel bad –- or be made to feel bad — about. If I decide to transition to formula, I want to continue to be proud of and happy with the fact that I have grown Violet into a chubby, remarkably cheerful little person. And that I will feel confident that whether Violet drinks my breastmilk or SnuggleMilk (wow, I already feel much better just calling it that…), she will continue to grow and be loved and be awesome.
December 13th, 2011 at 1:32 pm
I LOVE that you call it SnuggleMilk! I have never heard that before. You are an on the go Momma. I LOVE that you are so dedicated to breatsfeeding I think that’s amazing!
But please do not beat yourself up for wanting to give her “snugglemilk” here and there. She is 9 months old, she is being introduced to different foods and I have no doubt in my mind that she will be fine with both the snugglemilk and your milk.
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Christine Koh Reply:
December 14th, 2011 at 8:52 am
Thanks so much Tinachicky — the term “SnuggleMilk” came to me in the middle of the night when I was thinking about all of this. The more I think about it, I think the semantics make a difference!
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December 13th, 2011 at 1:39 pm
Please don’t feel guilty! Snugglemilk is right. I had every intention of breast feeding my son. And felt absolutely awful when I didn’t make enough milk to feed him. We started supplementing at 2 weeks and went to formula only by 4 months. We made the most out of our feeding time. And cuddled alot! You should feel blessed that breast feeding was easy for you!
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Christine Koh Reply:
December 14th, 2011 at 8:53 am
Thank you so much Jillian — I do feel blessed. I know how hard (or impossible) bf’ing is for so many moms. It’s apparently really difficult to reconcile what I know intellectually to the heart/guilt element.
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December 13th, 2011 at 1:48 pm
Thanks for writing this. I had to start supplementing with snugglemilk (totally using that) last month. Just couldn’t pump enough at work. And yes I cried, wept, boohooed the first time he had formula. My husband thought I needed to be committed. I’m 90% over it now. I still nurse when we are home and my stress level is SO much lower. I’m slowly taking on the “whatever works best for us” parenting mentality. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts.
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Christine Koh Reply:
December 14th, 2011 at 8:54 am
Liza, I’m so glad to hear that things are working out for you! Also, I think it’s excellent that you shared that it’s a work in progress still. Thank you!
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December 13th, 2011 at 2:03 pm
I nursed all 3, the first for 12 mos, the second for 15, and the third for … 6. What happened at that 6-mark? Dad and the big brothers got to get involved - bottles, cuddling, eye-gazing … all the things we as moms do when we breast feed. Remember that you have sisters and you were not all raised the same - your needs and your mom’s needs were different. This is where birth order comes in and it’s a beautiful validation that child rearing isn’t, needn’t, be cookie cutter. None of my kids have allergies and I was worried about that, too, with the 3rd. As it stands he was easier with strangers, bonded fiercely with his dad and brothers, and I swear it’s because I took a step back and let go. Your glass - er bottle - is half full!!! It will be ok and you will be ok.
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Christine Koh Reply:
December 14th, 2011 at 8:56 am
Thank you so much Kim. I agree with the birth order thing. We’re already seeing that Vi is so different — more laid back, etc… than Laurel was as a baby, no doubt because we’re less rigid and not freaking out about every little thing. (Well, with the exception — on my part — about this thing!
)
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December 13th, 2011 at 2:10 pm
Christine, I can relate to the emotion and the nearly irrational attachment to breastfeeding. I had it too. It’s a lovely time with your baby and most of parenting authorities (the ones you and I could respect) would endorse your success and possible continuation. I loved breast feeding my three sons far more than I had ever imagined and did so for 9 months at the shortest and 13 months at the longest. Here is the funny thing…I can’t remember how long for which one. It mattered A LOT at the time. It does not matter one iota a couple years down the road. Beyond about six months, I’m not sure that the duration is meaningful from a health or bonding POV. Once they are on solid foods it is a different situation entirely. Family happiness is family happiness and that includes you being able to provide for your family and your own well being.
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Christine Koh Reply:
December 14th, 2011 at 8:57 am
Jules, I love this comment — how amazing that you experienced all of the same emotions (and with a third child in the mix) yet now it’s totally milk under the bridge, as it were. Thanks so much for sharing.
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December 13th, 2011 at 2:15 pm
9 months! You gave her a great start! Don’t beat yourself up. My wife gradually slowed down to just one time per day, before she went to bed at night. And I got to be more involved as I was more often the bottler, which was good for all of us.
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Christine Koh Reply:
December 14th, 2011 at 8:59 am
That’s awesome Jeff — thanks so much for sharing. My husband has been super supportive of me transitioning… it’s clearly my brain getting in the way here!
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December 13th, 2011 at 3:20 pm
Oh dear, Christine!! You have done awesome so far! But, this whole motherly guilt thing (whether about breastfeeding or not) get it OUT of your head. First of all, hardly any number two’s get as much or as long of a breast feed as the number one child. There is just not enough energy in the body for it. And working, too!?!? Your body has to ration its energy, and baby number one still requires as much energy from Mum. Secondly, a very large blind-sided study was published just recently (I’ll have to look up the authors if you want to read it) that compared breast to formula fed babies: NO higher incidence of allergies in the formula fed ones. It followed the babies 10 years, I believe. Formula nowadays is really good. Of course, the real thing is the best, but bottle fed babies have no disadvantages anymore. Twenty years ago, maybe it was a different story because formula was just not as good as it is today.
I was much against formula for baby number one and breast fed until 12 months. Baby number two was breast fed until 8 months, she weaned herself. Just decided one day she wouldn’t do it anymore. Besides, I think I simply ran out of milk for her. She was then on supplemented with formula. Its food, it does a body good. I also started her on pureed carrotts at four months, she was SO ready.
In addition, there are millions of babies on this earth who do not get enough milk, or food for that matter. So, why are we westerners struggling over these issues? Our children are really healthy, breast fed or not. Don’t worry about it, do what is best for you in this one exception. Because everything else you do is for the kids. Don’t stress yourself! You’re doing awesome!!
Keri
PS Like your blog!!
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Christine Koh Reply:
December 14th, 2011 at 9:01 am
Thanks so much Keri… I agree — we live in a society where we have the benefit of abundance in food… organic produce, quality SnuggleMilk (I did look at Whole Foods and saw they have a bunch of options too). Violet is definitely a very happy solid food eater and loves her water sippy cup so I wonder if one day soon she’ll just say, “OK Mom, so done with this.”
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December 13th, 2011 at 3:21 pm
Oh , I hear you. The guilt. Always the guilt. But SnuggleMilk is not poison; it’s just an alternative. I know I cried when we had to supplement Robyn at 3 days old. I felt I had let her down. But the reality was she needed to get more calories as I wasn’t producing enough. Now I am still nursing (at 12 months - tomorrow!) but she will be in daycare soon and I’m not going to beat myself up if we can’t continue beyond that. I agree with all the previous posters - you have given Vi such a great start! that kid is one chubby happy monkey. You will still snuggle her and love her no matter what.
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December 13th, 2011 at 3:44 pm
Love you… reading this, I remember again how sad it is that we beat ourselves up while encouraging our friends and telling them that they are terrific mothers with no need for guilt. Well, you are a terrific mother. With no need for guilt!
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December 13th, 2011 at 3:57 pm
I simply adore this post. You put into words what so many mothers struggle with when it comes to bfing vs. formula. I wish there was one clear answer that could have suddenly dawned on you by the end of the post. But like most things parenting related, there are no definitive answers. We just do the best we can do. And like I said before, a few bottles of SnuggleMilk is an insignificant event in the scope of her childhood. And I’m going to end with a tired-because-its-so-true cliche: “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”
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December 13th, 2011 at 4:15 pm
You have given enough! I’m a pro breastfeeding mom but I feel for you and understand that you want to make the transition to formula. No judgment here. Do what’s best for you and your family. You did 6 months and that’s a great start you gave you daughter during those key first months.
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December 13th, 2011 at 8:26 pm
I drove myself crazy and my husband away by insisting on nothing but breastmilk for my firstborn.
After a bunch of therapy and some hard conversations with myself about recognizing my own limitations and ameliorating their impact on others, I started supplementing when my secondborn was three weeks old. It meant that my husband, who was already back at work, got to bond with her over a bottle of formula each night. And it meant that no matter how hard the day was, I knew I could be in bed at 10pm and get at least a few hours of that early-in-the-night-super-deep sleep.
It’s made all the difference: happier mom, happier husband, kids - both of them - thriving. I nurse whenever possible, still do that 4am feeding, pumped at work until a month ago, but just do not stress myself out about it. Formula will suffice for when my breast just can’t be there.
And I have been so, so happy that I went that route. The baby is healthier and happier than my firstborn was at this age, by the way. And much less anxious about being with people who aren’t mama.
PM me if you want to talk more offline!
xoxo
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December 13th, 2011 at 9:13 pm
I had a good cry reading this.
You see, I was simply unable to breastfeed. I have full nipple removal breast reduction surgery almost 20 years ago.
I was told I would never be able to breastfeed.. but when I had my 1st, much to my surprise some milk came out of my breasts. Unprepared, I was not successful getting anything out for him.
This past August, I had baby #2. and Dammit, I was going to make it work. I had a lactation expert at my side and we worked hard. HARD. In the end I was able to pump about an ounce a day. That is all my body would make. I fed it to my son and cried because that was all I could get.
Please be grateful that you were able to breastfeed at all… because what I wouldn’t give to have been able to have that chance.
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Christine Koh Reply:
December 14th, 2011 at 9:42 am
Liz, thank you for sharing… though of course I can’t know the full scope of anyone’s struggles, I have a number of friends who struggled mightily to breastfeed and it didn’t work out for them. My heart goes out to anyone who feels passionate about nursing and is unable to do it. I don’t take for granted that the process has been fairly easy for me both times.
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December 13th, 2011 at 10:17 pm
I love you for this post!
First of all, I totally love the name SnuggleMilk. And I’m in full agreement. I cuddle and snuggle my daughter just as much with a bottle as I do when she’s on my breast.
Second, the whole breastmilk/formula thing has been a thorn in my side for years. With my first, I exclusively breastfed for 3 months. But when I went back to work, I couldn’t pump enough milk for daycare. I was lucky to pump 5 whole oz a day and he was taking at least 12oz at school. It killed me. So by 6 months, he was getting formula at daycare and I nursed him morning and night. The guilt was retched. I didn’t have an alternative though. Pumping was horrid and to even come close to getting what he needed I would have had to be attached to that thing 24/7. That’s no way to live.
With Em, it’s been better. But we’ve still supplemented here and there with formula since she was 3 months old. Pumping was still a bear with low production and I just didn’t want the stress. When I wasn’t home, she got what was available. If I had breastmilk in the freezer, she got it. If not, then she got formula.
When we hit her 6 month growth spurt, she was hungry ALL THE TIME and was totally impatient at the breast. We started giving her a bottle of formula (AFTER I’d already nursed) at night…and haven’t stopped. I nurse her 3-4 times a day and she gets a bottle of formula right before bed. If she wakes in the middle of the night, I nurse her then too.
And you know what? It’s ok.
Whatever I do is ok because it’s what I need to do. Whatever you do is ok because it’s right for you.
I hope to keep nursing until 12 months. I only made it to 9 with my first. But regardless, I’m determined not to feel guilty. My daughter is healthy, loved and cared for…and so is Violet. You are giving her enough. And whether or not you decide to give her some formula time and again isn’t going to change that.
Hugs my friend! Be at peace with whatever decision you make. And know you aren’t alone in this.
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Christine Koh Reply:
December 14th, 2011 at 9:44 am
Thanks so much Erin. I totally hear you on the frustration with the low yield days — that is what has been panicking me the most… trying to replace what Violet consumes while she is at day care.
I’m feeling so much better about all of this, thanks to the amazing comments on this post. And I really think the semantics matter — I feel totally better calling it SnuggleMilk.
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December 13th, 2011 at 10:19 pm
I love you for this post!
First of all, I totally love the name SnuggleMilk. And I’m in full agreement. I cuddle and snuggle my daughter just as much with a bottle as I do when she’s on my breast.
Second, the whole breastmilk/formula thing has been a thorn in my side for years. With my first, I exclusively breastfed for 3 months. But when I went back to work, I couldn’t pump enough milk for daycare. I was lucky to pump 5 whole oz a day and he was taking at least 12oz at school. It killed me. So by 6 months, he was getting formula at daycare and I nursed him morning and night. The guilt was retched. I didn’t have an alternative though. Pumping was horrid and to even come close to getting what he needed I would have had to be attached to that thing 24/7. That’s no way to live.
With Em, it’s been better. But we’ve still supplemented here and there with formula since she was 3 months old. Pumping was still a bear with low production and I just didn’t want the stress. When I wasn’t home, she got what was available. If I had breastmilk in the freezer, she got it. If not, then she got formula.
When we hit her 6 month growth spurt, she was hungry ALL THE TIME and was totally impatient at the breast. We started giving her a bottle of formula (AFTER I’d already nursed) at night…and haven’t stopped. I nurse her 3-4 times a day and she gets a bottle of formula right before bed. If she wakes in the middle of the night, I nurse her then too.
And you know what? It’s ok.
Whatever I do is ok because it’s what I need to do. Whatever you do is ok because it’s right for you.
I hope to keep nursing until 12 months. I only made it to 9 with my first. But regardless, I’m determined not to feel guilty. My daughter is healthy, loved and cared for…and so is Violet. You are giving her enough. And whether or not you decide to give her some formula time and again isn’t going to change that.
Hugs my friend! Be at peace with whatever decision you make. And know you aren’t alone in this.
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December 13th, 2011 at 11:08 pm
Try not to feel guilty. It’s impossible to give your second child the exact same experience that you gave your first. But the advantage is that she has more experienced parents and big sister.
M. has allergies, and they were apparent before I had weaned him. So formula isn’t the culprit!
I supplemented nursing with formula with #2 and #3 and it was the best decision ever. You don’t have to go cold turkey until you’re ready. (And I was ready earlier with each subsequent baby.)
XOX
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December 13th, 2011 at 11:30 pm
No matter how much time has gone by, I can hardly read a post like this without either feeling sick to my stomach or on the verge of tears.
This, to me, is the down-side of the pro-breastfeeding movement: the fact that it makes those of us who formula-fed feel like second-class citizens. Like we’ve been automatically disqualified from the made-up competition to be BEST MOM EVER.
Even though I know my kids are healthy and happy and brilliant and wonderful. Even though I know there were plenty of legitimate reasons that I was unable to breastfeed any of my kids, and even though I know it doesn’t even matter what my reasons are because it’s my family and my choice and my circumstances and whatever.
Even still. I can hardly read or see anything pro-breastfeeding without feeling like it’s anti-me.
So, yes. I get it.
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Christine Koh Reply:
December 14th, 2011 at 9:47 am
Liz, thank you so much for sharing. I was so heartbroken following your valiant efforts and struggle to pump for E. and I can completely understand how a post like this would make you feel like, “WTF is she complaining about??!”
I guess everyone’s experience is relative, but we are joined by frustration over the absurdity that is the stigma related to formula.
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Megan Reply:
February 21st, 2012 at 2:31 pm
“This, to me, is the down-side of the pro-breastfeeding movement: the fact that it makes those of us who formula-fed feel like second-class citizens. Like we’ve been automatically disqualified from the made-up competition to be BEST MOM EVER.”
Thank you for this comment. I am an adoptive mom. Not being able to breastfeed was the single greatest hurdle for me to overcome in the adoption process. I am through it now. It was a great lesson for me. So much so that I now defend the mothers who chose to formula feed over breastfeed, even for reasons other than not being able to produce enough milk. There are enough real failings of parents to deal with. Someone choosing to feed a child formula, for any reason, is not one of them.
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December 14th, 2011 at 11:34 am
I breastfed M diligently until the was 19 months old. Turns out she’s lactose intolerant, so it was good that I did. With H, I’m torn. If I weaned her and she went to formula, I could have my tonsils out and my health would improve. I could not have to worry about pumping at work which has become harder, more impossible to find time for this time. Not to mention, she’s got herself on this schedule that doesn’t really work for my work schedule. Its all so… confusing, and frustrating.
Right now I’m trying to get through the introduction of solids. Once we get her willing to eat solids, then I’ll figure out what I want to do otherwise. Or maybe I won’t have a choice… Either way, totally stealing SnuggleMilk.
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December 14th, 2011 at 11:50 am
You are a champion. If you nurse for a day or 9 months or 2 years…you are an awesome mom. If you don’t breastfeed and use formula from day one, you are still an awesome mom.
I’m a full-time working mom (in an office and travelling) and I made it to nine months before supplementing. I beat myself up for about a month about how I wasn’t doing the best for her and feeling guilty about working…however… eventually I accepted the formula as an ally. She had formula at school and we nursed while she was at home. I continued to pump while at work, when it was convenient. My mental stress diminshed and I was so much happier without the pumping/guilt/formula stress over me. A happy stress-less mama makes for a happier baby (and partner).
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December 14th, 2011 at 2:10 pm
Reading this article also helped me come to terms with breastfeeding-related guilt. Maybe channeling your scientist side and reading some of the research (as opposed to the popular literature/La Leche interpretation of the research) would help?
According to this author, the health benefits of breastfeeding tend to be overstated and the costs (mother’s time, etc.) minimized: http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2009/04/the-case-against-breast-feeding/7311/
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December 14th, 2011 at 3:36 pm
It seems to me that for every new mom there are just as many challenges with breastfeeding. After several challenging weeks, my son and I hit our stride and he has been feeding really well since, but pumping is still a challenge. I was very against it at first but in some situations we’ve used formula to supplement. The first time we needed it I felt like a failure, but then I realized that it opened up an opportunity for my fiance to get some alone time to bond with the baby, and that is important, too. I’ve stopped beating myself up over it, and I’m embracing formula as a useful alternative.
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December 14th, 2011 at 11:06 pm
Mom guilt is awful! Do not feel guilty! I know, easier said than done. I also was in the low supply category and had to supplement and eventually at 4 months pack it in. In the end this was a great liberating thing for me and a great chance for my husband to bond with our first. With our twins I made it to 2 months. Tandem feeding and then pumping while taking care of a 2.5 year old just wasn’t working. You need to do what you have to do and what is best for you and your family. A mom with less stress and more time snuggling and less time pumping may be better
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December 16th, 2011 at 10:17 am
For me, formula was a lifesaver, literally. I was not making enough milk, and my son was suffering. I did both for as long as I could (about 8.5 months) and he is a happy, healthy 12 year old! Formula is not the devil! We are lucky to have both!
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December 29th, 2011 at 4:15 pm
I had low milk supply so in the end while I breastfed my guy for 11 months, I had to supplement with formula the whole time. So while I could wrap my brain around it, I couldn’t ever stop feeling guilty over it. Hugs. It’s not easy. Love the snugglemilk though!
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January 17th, 2012 at 2:59 pm
[...] were so incredibly supportive when I posted about my internal struggles with feeding Violet SnuggleMilk, so I wanted to share an update on what happened after I published that [...]
February 1st, 2012 at 8:14 am
[...] so it goes: my son is now entirely fed via SnuggleMilk. This was in part a conscious decision to save my sanity from pumping and hastened by a stomach bug [...]
February 5th, 2012 at 3:00 pm
[...] Steps By Christine Koh, on February 5th, 2012 Ever since getting over my formula stigma, I’ve felt so much lighter. I’ve still been nursing Vi, but also introducing bottles. [...]
February 20th, 2012 at 7:27 pm
I really appreciate this post because you put into words what so many of us feel as breastfeeding moms. I’m a new mom to a 7 month old baby girl. I thought I’d breast feed exclusively until she was a year. But, then, my husband got very sick when she was 3 months old so I spent a lot more time away from her while at doctor’s appointments and such. I was stressed, and at times that affected my milk production. One day in December I was with him visiting our families, and unexpectedly we had to go to the ER. Anna was without milk. I suppose my mom could have brought her to me, but the thought of trying to nurse her while i was nursing him just seemed too hard. He needed me. My mom gave her formula..and she gulped it down without a blink. I was both relieved and so sad. I felt like she didn’t even need me. It was then that I realized my issues with giving her formula were more my own insecurities than anything else. I am still almost exclusively breastfeeding but I feel less manic about it all. We have mixed formula and breastmilk a few times when need be. I am actually very thankful I’m learning a valuable lesson- the best laid plans of mamas often go astray…and that’s okay! I hope I’ll be less neurotic in the future because of this!
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February 21st, 2012 at 8:34 am
You are beating yourself up for no reason. I nursed three children, for 15 months, 3 years and 2 years. Yes-one of those crazy moms who got the “is she going to be doing that in kindergarten” comments. So I am pro-nursing. Having established that-all you can do is all you can do (in the words of Meemaw Patti.) There are a million things that work together to make a good mom. You don’t have to nurse exclusively to be that mom. My daughter works 10 hour days 5 days a week. She nursed and pumped in the bathroom at work. She pumped while driving to work-how is that for distracted driving. She had to had formula. She had to quit nurising at night so he, at 10 months, would sleep all night. She still cries every day to leave him 10 hours. She is a good mom. He is a happy, healthy, wonderful, loved baby. Don’t make yourself crazy for no reason.
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