When I was in first grade, I cried a lot. As in, every day. Save the month I managed to convince my mother that I was horribly sick and needed to stay home.
The etiology of my malaise is a little hazy, but one thing that stands out clearly is that I hated my first grade teacher. Things started out well; she sent a sweet letter during the summer. She seemed happy to welcome us all to her class. But then her less than sensitive actions started to stack up. Like when she rolled her eyes and looked exasperated when I didn’t know the answer to 8 + 0 right away (what can I say, math has never been my strongest subject). Or like when she would get frustrated with something I did, heave a big sigh, and scratch her eyeball with one of her long red fingernails (I’m not making this up). Or like when we went around at circle time sharing our middle names and she laughed at my Korean middle name and said, “Really? That’s your middle name?” Which of course made all the other kids laugh at me.
Yeah, just what I was thinking. That bitch.
So I was unhappy. I cried in class. A lot. I grabbed the bathroom pass any chance I got and made a break for it and headed upstairs, where I would stand in the doorway of my sister Stephanie’s classroom, crying for my sister. I got punished repeatedly by my teacher for disrupting my sister’s class. I then managed to stay home “sick” for a month. I’m sure the only reason they didn’t hold me back was because my teacher did not want to deal with me another year. It just kept snowballing.
And then once I left first grade, everything was cool. I was back to being the happy kid I was in kindergarten.
Fast forward 30 years and I’m the parent of a daughter who is far more sensitive to transitions than I was, but currently is experiencing a similar level of malaise at school. After a very rough transition to kindergarten, things actually have been great for many months; drops off have been a piece of cake and she loves her teachers and friends. But the last week? We’re back to sobbing drop offs and sobbing bedtimes (in anticipation of going to school in the morning). Laurel also cries periodically during the day (she says because she misses us) and says that she feels that her teacher is mad at her or hates her because she cries. Which makes her totally panicky about going to school.
Yeah, I stopped in my tracks too.
Laurel’s teacher is nothing like my first grade teacher, and when Jon talked to Laurel’s teacher this morning, she was totally taken aback that Laurel would think that she hated her because of the crying. I’m hoping that with some patience and love and deep breaths from all parties, we’ll get through this bumpy patch quickly. Because I don’t want the rest of Laurel’s kindergarten days, or her summer day camp (which we selected because Laurel’s teacher is involved) to be like the hell that was my first grade experience.
Like many instances in parenting, I have the distinct feeling that this experience is trying to teach me some kind of lesson. I wonder if it’s that it’s time to make friends with my ghost of first grade past.
June 4th, 2010 at 4:19 pm
I am sorry Laurel is feeling upset! But you know, have you considered the upcoming move to first grade may be the reason for her being out of balance? S., and some other children whose parents I spoke to, have also mentioned changes in their children. Upon talking to the teacher, and after that to S. himself, it appeared that said teacher has been talking a lot about the differences the kids will encounter in first grade, as opposed to Kindergarten. And to tell you the truth: S. is worried, quite worried and afraid. “They say in first grade, you can’t do this, you can’t do that.” The list went on, it all sounded negative!
It was definitely reflected in his behaviour, acting angry, emotional, just different. Maybe Laurel is just getting ready for the next transition? Or maybe she is just missing you. Of course I don’t know her very intimately, but I just wanted to give you some food for thought/discussion!
Hugs to you all!
[Reply]
Christine Koh Reply:
June 6th, 2010 at 2:23 pm
Good point Liesbeth. Laurel has definitely been expressing fear about first grade based on those convos. Now that the end of the year countdown is on, she’s been saying how she’s worried about first grade and maybe kindergarten isn’t so bad after all.
I definitely wish these transitions could be approached in a positive light. I think I should talk to the teacher about that.
[Reply]
June 5th, 2010 at 8:54 am
OMG, Christine, I’m going through something very different and yet very similar at the same time as you are going through this, and all I can say is hang in there. Things can be so very difficult with our kids as they go out into this world and it makes me long for the days when my biggest worry had to do with potty training.
I hope things get better soon for Laurel and for you both, because we parents suffer a lot when our kids suffer too.
[Reply]
Christine Koh Reply:
June 6th, 2010 at 2:25 pm
I hear you. Life used to be so much more simple…. and yes, it’s so painful to experience Laurel’s pain. She’s not a whiner and doesn’t cry for the sake of general attention so when she’s wailing, you can tell it really hurts.
I hope everything is going OK for you at home too.
[Reply]
June 5th, 2010 at 9:02 pm
Is it possible that there’s more to the story? Like, perhaps a kid that’s bothering her? I only ask because if she liked her teacher before it seems so odd that she’d suddenly think her teacher hated her - just for crying. Plus, if she’s crying at school she might get teased by other kids if they’ve seen it. *just a thought* No matter the root, hopefully it works itself out quickly because that’s got to be rough + sad to see.
[Reply]
Christine Koh Reply:
June 6th, 2010 at 2:27 pm
Good point E. I’m pretty certain it’s not teasing/bullying though — the anxiety seems to be around the teacher, which makes sense because Laurel is very sensitive to adult approval. Comments that might roll off the back of another kid don’t always go the same for L.
[Reply]
June 6th, 2010 at 12:33 am
I’m so sorry to hear how awful your 1st grade teacher was to you. I hope things with Laurel will get better soon.
[Reply]
Christine Koh Reply:
June 6th, 2010 at 2:28 pm
Isn’t that crazy about the middle name thing? Blows my mind. If a teacher did that now s/he would probably get fired. Or have to go to sensitivity training or something!
Thanks for your well wishes.
[Reply]
June 7th, 2010 at 8:54 am
Your first grade story is very familiar to me. My brother would cry all the time in kindergarten and the teacher would bring him up to my 2nd grade classroom where I had to help calm him down. I can remember seeing my old kindergarten teacher standing in the doorway and I knew that was my cue to get up and go into the hall.
Our daily visits lessened even more in first grade and were completely done when he entered 2nd grade.
[Reply]
June 7th, 2010 at 9:34 am
I think what’s going on with your daughter is common- tough to get through, but you’ll all make it. One of my daughter’s best friends in kindergarten went through a period of this, and her 6-yr-old neighbor is going through it right now.
We like to remember our childhoods as idyllic times in our lives, but when I really think about it, there were plenty of tears and uncomfortable experiences. I remember my stomach hurting every single morning in elementary school because I was so anxious about going, and yet now, I remember loving that school!
Hang in there, Christine!
[Reply]
June 7th, 2010 at 2:45 pm
You could hunt the %$#@ from 1st grade down via social media! But probably a better use of your time is the path you are on. Making Laurel feel comfortable with this experience. Can you plan some playdates with classmates to make her feel more secure in small settings and build from there?
Oh and I hated my 2nd grade teacher. New catholic school for me. She was evil (and not even a nun).
[Reply]
June 8th, 2010 at 1:39 pm
[...] been struggling with a very emotional Laurel of late, and our departure from her on Saturday was pretty gnarly — complete with screaming, crying, [...]
June 10th, 2010 at 11:57 am
I feel for both of you. I really do. Nothing worse than being nervous about going to school. In 4th, 5th, and 6th grade I went to school in a very, um, un-diverse school in an equally un-diverse suburb. One day, I disputed a science fact that my teacher had just ignorantly put out there (I was right, by the way). He turned to me, lowered his glasses to the tip of his nose, and in front of the entire class, said “Jim, go back to Shanghai.”
I may have told you that story before, but it was worth commenting again, given the relevance to this post.
My middle name is my Chinese name. I cringe when people ask me what it is because I’m so reflexively used to people laughing when I say it.
Ugh.
[Reply]
Christine Koh Reply:
June 10th, 2010 at 12:06 pm
Oh my frikkin’ word. I think our teachers must have gone to the same Crappy Teacher University.
So sorry Jim.
[Reply]
June 10th, 2010 at 12:28 pm
I’m sorry your daughter is going through this. I once went to a talk about 6/7 year olds and he talked about how kids at that age go through a LOT of change - lots of cognitive development and physical development. I know that doesn’t help your daughter through this difficult time, but it could help explain why she is going through it. I do hope the tears stop soon and she gets comfortable with school again. This has to be so hard.
And also, I had the same teacher for 4th grade. She told me I didn’t even walk right. I think there was nothing I did that that women liked. Ugh.
[Reply]
June 10th, 2010 at 12:54 pm
I wish I had some words of wisdom. I’ve witnessed those sobbing bedtimes and had quite a few myself.
[Reply]
December 23rd, 2010 at 10:03 am
[...] and should just pick a kick ass superhero name. But the thing is, it took me so long to get past taunting about my name and true acceptance of myself, that now that I’m comfortable in my skin, I just want to be me, in [...]