Laurel has always been a sensitive soul. She feels things very deeply, has always been firmly attached to me and Jon (resulting in a tendency towards prolonged and painful separation), and loves our little family trio with all her heart.
And while she enjoys movies, she’s not one of those kids who can watch explosions and heartbreak and meanness (in cartoon form or otherwise) and let it roll off her back. Her earliest favorite movie was Cinderella, and she burrowed into me whenever the nasty stepmother entered the room. Her later favorite movie was Enchanted, and any scene including the wicked stepmother (not to mention the scene in which the homeless dude steals Giselle’s tiara) needed to be fast forwarded. It took months and months before she could watch these movies all the way through.
All of this said, Laurel has evolved a lot since she started kindergarten. She’s braver and more adventurous. She’s still sensitive, but definitely different.
So when Up arrived in the mail yesterday I was perplexed. We’re pretty bad at maintaining our Netflix queue and I vaguely remember tossing Up on the queue many months ago for me and Jon to watch since I had heard rave reviews. However, Laurel was excited when she saw the DVD (“I’ve seen that house with the balloons before!”) and we were planning movie night anyway so I figured, “Hey, this is animated. Maybe this will work.” So I turned to Twitter and asked:
And received this series of super thoughtful responses:
I didn’t get all of these responses by the time we decided to take the plunge and go for it, but I felt sufficiently warned and aware of the potential variability in reaction. I told Laurel that some people told me that there’s a sad scene because someone dies and later on there are some nasty dogs we could fast forward through. I told her it would be fine to not watch it and go for something tried and true from her collection. She was insistent. She said her friend Sawyer loved the movie and that she wanted to watch it.
So we all hunkered into the L-couch: me in the corner nook, Laurel cuddled on top me, Jon next to us — all of us cozy under a pile of Tibetan yak blankets. It seemed perfect.
And then, as I found myself getting teary during the scene about which I had received warning, I felt Laurel’s body tense. I couldn’t see her face but Jon could. He asked her if she wanted to keep going. She said yes. Later on, she laughed at a couple of places in the movie. She liked the big colorful bird. I think those were the things that kept her going as she said, “Yes, keep going” as we fast forwarded through the scary dog scene, and the scenes where Muntz (ironically, voiced by Christopher Plummer; The Sound of Music is Laurel’s current favorite movie…and yes, she cried the first time she realized the army was trying to take Von Trapp away from the family) is mean. And then we just had to stop.
And it wasn’t at a scary scene. We stopped during the scene in which Mr. Fredricksen discovers what his late wife Ellie added beyond the pages of the “Stuff I’m Going to Do” page in her adventure book. It was a scene that would probably be over the heads of, totally innocuous for, or even boring for many kids, but Laurel couldn’t bear it. We stopped. She sobbed. She buried her face in Jon’s neck and clutched us both. She couldn’t verbalize what was bothering her but we knew.
For Laurel, the gravity and scariness of the nasty dogs and mean Muntz paled in comparison to the idea of Fredricksen being alone and missing his wife. Laurel literally was heartbroken for this animated character.
I will fully admit that after an exhausting week, I was really looking forward to Laurel’s proposed movie night. I just wanted to hunker in and veg out and I was actually really enjoying the movie. Obviously, part of me felt sad for Laurel and moved to comfort her, but part of me also wanted to say, “Come on, buck up Laurel. It’s not real!” I don’t know if Jon sensed the duality of my emotions in that moment, but he offered to scoop Laurel up and put her to bed and suggested that I finish the last bit of the movie on my own.
Later on, Jon and I discussed all of this and it occurred to me that the descriptor “sensitive” tends to have negative connotations. Certainly, I felt a little inconvenienced by her response and admittedly wished she could just be OK with the fact that it was a movie and not get upset. (This is actually why we never see kids movies when they come out in the theaters. It just seems like too much of a hassle when there’s a pretty decent chance that we won’t make it through the whole thing.)
However, even though yes, this was just a movie, death is also something that happens in life every day and Laurel sees the consequences of split spouses play out in real time; for example, seeing my mother move through life’s adventures without my father.
And then I realized that Laurel’s sensitive soul is not a burden, it is a gift.
Laurel may not be the optimal target for the increasing wham bam overstimulation of children’s media (a good thing, in my opinion), but how could I be anything but immensely grateful that my daughter embodies a deep sense of empathy — a sensitivity for other people’s emotions and a desire for happiness and cohesion in living? If that sensitivity helps her be more mindful as she navigates the world, more appreciative of the people in it, and more attuned to the struggles people face, she will lead a rich life. She might even end up working to do some good in the human services domain.
It took me a long time to figure this out, but I’m glad I finally did. And suffice to say, it matters not if we never make it through another kid movie.
April 17th, 2010 at 1:44 pm
Yes, it’s so nice to see empathy in a child. If only all kids could be so considerate.
We saw “Up” in 3-D in a movie theater. My 5-year-old cried and wanted to go home. The snarling dogs were way too much for her.
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Christine Koh Reply:
April 18th, 2010 at 1:11 pm
Oh, so sorry to hear your daughter was upset as well. IMO the studios make these scenes far more intense than they need to be.
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April 17th, 2010 at 2:10 pm
My 6 yo, DJ, is sensitive as well. He’s deeply affected by others’ emotions especially as it relates to families. When he was three, he watched Lilo and Stitch and insisted on rewinding and replaying the scene where Stitch reads the Ugly Ducking and realizes that he doesn’t have, and desperately wants, a family. DJ would cry and cry and yet still insist on watching it. He enjoyed Up but that scene, he definitely “got,” on the spot, in the theater. He too has seen how death divides family, as both of my grandfathers had died in the year and a half before he saw Up. We all can only do with these emotions what feels right for our kids at the exact moment they’re experiencing them. But for DJ, so far, they’ve given us a chance to talk to him about difficult subjects and for him to learn to express sorrow and empathy. I’m pretty proud of his sensitivity and of the way he feels so deeply what others are going through. I bet you are too.
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Christine Koh Reply:
April 18th, 2010 at 1:13 pm
Yes, I agree Emmie — all of these instances offer opportunity to discuss and grow. We’re no strangers to talking to Laurel about death (just had two funerals last month, including open casket she was present for), but I think this movie put the pieces together more clearly, re: how it impacts the spouse.
I’m sure you are doing beautifully by DJ in this regard. I’m glad all these sensitive little kids are in the world… it means good, empathic things for the future.
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April 17th, 2010 at 2:52 pm
Oh, I totally get it. And I agree with you: Her empathy is a gift. But still, it’s one that she’ll need time to understand and to learn to temper so that she remembers to give sufficient weight to her own feelings and needs too.
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Christine Koh Reply:
April 18th, 2010 at 1:14 pm
Good point Julie. Laurel is definitely a giver… it’s something we’ll need to keep an eye on and address in the future.
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April 17th, 2010 at 4:06 pm
My son too is very sensitive. He’s now 11, but when he was just a little kid, it was years before he could watch a Disney movie. (Most begin with some type of horror show - like the death of a parent). He still needs to know ahead of time if a pet or a person dies in a movie before he’ll watch and sometimes opts to pass on it if it’s too sad. He has yet to deal with the death of a family member with the one exception of our 14 year old chocolate lab, which was very hard, but he made it through better than I anticipated. Sensitivity is a good thing, but it sometimes does make life tougher than for those who can somehow be immune to intense emotion or be more easy going…I know, I am one of those “sensitive types” myself, but with that sensitivity comes many positives like a heightened sense empathy, intuition, perception and imagination. I’d rather be super sensitive than insensitive any day.
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Christine Koh Reply:
April 18th, 2010 at 1:16 pm
Agreed Cheryl. And it sounds like we have to prep our kids similarly for movies…
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April 17th, 2010 at 8:39 pm
Hi Christine,
I didn’t realize I was tweeting as @MassInno (one of my alter-egos) when I responded. I think if I had known the question was for sensitive Laurel, I would have warned you away from it. My son and I both cried when we watched up, several times, happy and sad tears. I think we got the most teary at the end (spoiler) when the old man and his new-found friend get back together. I think being “sensitive” can work for you too — I am not sure every young child will get the “make your own family” message.
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Christine Koh Reply:
April 18th, 2010 at 1:17 pm
Oh no worries Bobbie. I was aware of the mixed reactions and we took a gamble. Even though I gave her fair warning, she wanted to go for it. Ironically, over the last day she has continued to ask me some questions about the movie so it seems that it will continue to offer some learning/teaching opps for us.
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April 18th, 2010 at 10:28 am
I sobbed at that scene. I’m ultra sensitive to things like that. I have a suggestion, but obviously take it with a grain of salt. When watching a movie with scary/sad parts, we always tell my son that there might be scary and sad places, but we never tell him what they are. I realized at one point that we were coloring his view of events before he had a chance to experience them for himself. In fact, he is usually scared/upset by things that surprise me and not bothered by the things I would think.
Anyway, I think that scene is a teachable moment for kids. It is actually the moment when he becomes OK with his loss and is able to envision a happy life moving forward with new relationships. That’s an important message, too.
My kids loved the movie (we just watched it on Friday), but Ethan was so terrified by the action scenes that when the villain pulled out a sword, he flung his arms over his head to protect himself. The thing that allowed him to relax? I told him it was a Disney movie and they ALWAYS have happy endings.
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Christine Koh Reply:
April 18th, 2010 at 1:19 pm
Christy, that is a great point. Actually, while we were watching it, I did wish we hadn’t really said anything specific and primed her for distress. Though at the time she broke down we were past all of the things I thought were problematic. There was probably some kind of snowball effect though.
Good point re: Disney happy endings.
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April 18th, 2010 at 10:29 am
Bravo Christine!
Are you familiar with Elaine Aron’s books (e.g., “Highly Sensitive Person”)? Very validating for the sensitive souls in the world.
And I’m TOTALLY with you on the media being overstimulating…check out the “Consuming Kids” documentary (& others…) from Northampton’s “Media Education Foundation.”
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Christine Koh Reply:
April 18th, 2010 at 1:21 pm
Erica, I don’t know of that book - will check it out. Thank you!
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April 19th, 2010 at 5:10 am
I sense your daughter is an artist- having such a maturity about her feelings reminds me of me at that age. So precious how you describe it here.
Steph
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Christine Koh Reply:
April 19th, 2010 at 3:15 pm
I think so too Steph. She definitely has a very creative side. Actually, she said that she wants to be an artist like me and work with me in her studio “for her whole life.”
And if she turns out anything like you I will be very blessed.
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April 19th, 2010 at 7:56 pm
hey christine,
so interesting how our sensitively souled (?) kids converge. I just read the giving tree by shel silverstein to Caius, now 6. We’ve read this book numerous times with no upset, but tonight i think he “got it.” I talked to him about why the tree was happy if the boy was happy, and he totally disagreed. He sobbed and said he thought it was such a sad story because the tree just kept losing all her “stuff” and the boy kept asking for more. sigh…We are careful about movies too. There are some that I am surprised he can watch and some that he just can’t make it through.
Tracy
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April 20th, 2010 at 5:00 pm
This is a more practical comment than an emotional one. Are you aware of the website Kids in Mind?
http://www.kids-in-mind.com/
It gives film ratings based on a number of criteria, and when you are considering showing a movie to you child, you can take a look at what it says. Some kids are sensitive to violence, or romantic/sexual content, or scary dogs, or what have you. Different kids are troubled by different things, of course. I find it very, very useful. It can be kind of amusing to read the ratings for very tame (or very un-tame) films, as it methodically details the potentially troublesome aspects of the movie!
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April 21st, 2010 at 12:52 pm
I had my comment all planned out and then YOU took my line. It’s a gift. It may get in the way of carefree family movie watching, but Laurel has a trait that more people need in this world. You guys have a great kid. My kid is great too, but empathy? Probably not there yet. He keeps begging us to watch 2012. :/
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