One of Jon and my most effective parenting strategies is playing it cool. It’s not always easy. Sometimes we are, in fact, freaking out inside, but it’s kind of like that classic example where your kid falls and they’re not really hurt but their response modulates depending on your response. If you freak, they wail louder. If you respond calmly, they move on to the next thing quickly.
Yesterday was my uncle’s wake and midday one of my cousins thoughtfully called to let me know it would be open casket. And it occurred to me that I sort of assumed it would be (my family traditionally has opted for open casket funerals) but it hadn’t even dawned on me how to approach it with Laurel.
I was perplexed. I floated Jon an e-mail to ask him to think about it on the train ride home and otherwise turned to Twitter, where most folks recommended either not taking Laurel to the wake or taking her but steering clear of the casket. Which I totally get.
But it also made me wonder whether the open casket thing (and no doubt death in general) is more of a big deal for grownups than kids. I went to open casket funerals as a child and it didn’t phase me at all – possibly due to the fact that my parents had seven kids and they didn’t have time to make a big fuss about it with each of us, and partly because that was just the way it was. Very matter of fact.
So Jon and I decided that — as with many things in life related to Laurel — we would try to communicate calmly, not make a huge deal about it, and give her choice. So in the car, the conversation went something like this:
Jon: “Laurel, we need to talk to you about the funeral.” [We didn’t bother complicating things by introducing the wake terminology.]
Laurel: “OK, Daddy, what is it?”
Jon: “Well, we’re going to a funeral, which is a time for people to say goodbye and send good wishes to the person who has died, and also give support to the family members.”
Laurel: “I know that, Daddy.”
Jon: “Well, the thing we wanted to tell you is that sometimes at funerals there’s a casket, which is a fancy box used to hold a person’s body when it goes to the cemetery.”
Christine: “Like Snow White, except hers was glass on top.”
Laurel: “Right, Snow White. There was glass on top so the Prince could see her inside.”
Jon: “Um, right. So anyway, the casket will be open at this funeral and Uncle’s body will be in it – but at this point he’s just a body, his spirit left his body earlier this week when he died. Does that make sense?”
Laurel: “Yes.”
Jon: “People will walk up to the casket to say goodbye to Uncle, but it’s totally up to you if you want to do it. You can go up, or you don’t have to. Either way is OK and you can decide there.”
Laurel: “I want to see Uncle in the casket. [Pause] Hey, did I tell you about this game we played in gym class today? The teacher split us up into teams of seven and…[long monologue about gym class ensues...]”
So there you have it. We were calm and matter of fact and Laurel was calm and matter of fact right back.
When we got to the wake Laurel was a bit shy at first, then extremely excited to see her aunts and uncles and cousins (and not surprisingly disinterested in all of the strangers who wanted to pinch her cheeks and tell her how tall she was). She liked going through the receiving line (she went 4 times I think) and loved all of the huge flower displays.
And yes, she visited the casket. Five or six times. She was not scared or freaked out at all; she was curious…about how they got my Uncle dressed, about whether those were his real clothes, about why the bottom half of the casket top was closed, about why there was a huge flower display on top of the closed part of the casket, etc.
On the last casket visit, I asked Laurel if she wanted to say goodbye to him. She did. It was short, sweet, and simple.
And I think Laurel’s calm and cheerful response affected me as well. I said my goodbyes, sent my Uncle and his family peaceful and happy wishes moving forward in life and the universe, felt grateful for my life and the people in it, and left — dry eyed and with a light heart.
March 26th, 2010 at 9:39 am
Interesting post, for lots of reasons. I’ve never been to an open casket funeral, so Laurel’s questions strike me as excellent questions — I think I’d wonder most of the same things!
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Christine Koh Reply:
March 26th, 2010 at 10:48 am
Suzanne, I also am curious about whether there are religious underpinnings to open casket or not. A Jewish friend mentioned that they do not do open casket, but otherwise I have no idea (I wasn’t raised with a particular faith). I’ve otherwise thought it is a more tangible way for people to say goodbye.
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March 26th, 2010 at 9:43 am
When my father-in-law passed, we brought the kids to the funeral and said good-bye to him in the same way. I think doing that meant a lot to my husband and his mother.
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Christine Koh Reply:
March 26th, 2010 at 10:49 am
Indeed. And kids change the dynamic so much. They are so lighthearted and it helps the grownups along too.
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March 26th, 2010 at 9:58 am
I wouldn’t have thought about a kid immediately going to Snow White - but truthfully, when I was Laurel’s age I probably would’ve made the same connection.
Even I’m a bit bothered by open caskets for some reason. At my dad’s funeral some of my family wanted it open so it was open during the wake but you had to go to the back room to visit, which I did not.
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Christine Koh Reply:
March 26th, 2010 at 10:51 am
Esther, I totally understand. I’ve had varied reactions. Obviously, the funeral of one’s father is totally different (I’m so, so sorry for your loss) but after a lifetime of open caskets not bothering me, at my Dad’s funeral I was very disturbed. Primarily because the cosmetics were not done well and he did not look at all like himself. It totally freaked me out.
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March 26th, 2010 at 10:06 am
That was such a great way to handle it. Every kid is so different that it’s really important to treat them as individuals. I’ll keep this on mental file for when such events occur in my family’s future. Thanks.
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Christine Koh Reply:
March 26th, 2010 at 10:52 am
I’m glad it’s helpful Kim. I feel very grateful for these moments when the teaching and learning between parents and kids is reciprocal.
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March 26th, 2010 at 10:12 am
I had the same exact experience with my oldest, but I didn’t grow up with open casket funerals (bar one and it freaked me out because there was no warning and I was 10).
A was 4 and he was curious. Everyone there was used to the concept of it so they weren’t making a big deal out of it. The innocence in his observations and matter of fact approach to the event really did make it easier for me.
So sorry about your uncle. I wish you all peace in his passing.
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Christine Koh Reply:
March 26th, 2010 at 10:53 am
I totally agree with you Amie re: innocence of observation making things easier for the grownups. Laurel’s questions really reminded me that she’s coming at this so fresh, with none of the baggage that we grownups have.
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March 26th, 2010 at 11:28 am
Christine, thanks for such a great lesson encased in a really touching story. As I spend more and more time with my friends’ little ones, I’ve learned about the impact that my emotion and pace have on their reaction. I find that when I’m calm even though I don’t have the words, they often give me the right words or images to help explain things to them. I’m so sorry for your loss, but glad that Lauren’s reaction helped to ease the pain.
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March 26th, 2010 at 11:51 am
I think children are much more matter-of-fact and in the moment than adults because they can’t or don’t realize the far-reaching implications of death…that Grandad won’t be at your wedding, for example. In that way, they are protected from what could be overwhelming feelings they aren’t yet equipped to deal with…in fact, not all adults are. In reacting the way they do, however, children do provide a certain perspective that may be hard to see in the midst of immediate and long lasting grief for their grownups: it happened, it’s sad, we can say good-bye, and when we are ready, we can move on.
Below is a lovely book I found to give to my niece when her Pappa Jack died.
http://www.amazon.ca/gp/reader/0553344021/ref=sib_dp_pt#reader-link
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Christine Koh Reply:
March 26th, 2010 at 12:20 pm
Thanks for sharing that Leslie. Much appreciated. xo
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March 26th, 2010 at 11:52 am
Nugget
the book is called Lifetimes by brian mellonie.
L
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March 26th, 2010 at 12:02 pm
You know Christine, amidst the sadness about the loss of your uncle, your conversation with Laurel reads like a SNL sketch (especially the last part where she quickly changes the subject). Send it in!
I am glad she dealt with it so lightheartedly. But as you said: the make up can make all the difference between peace and horror.
xo
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Christine Koh Reply:
March 26th, 2010 at 12:21 pm
I know, isn’t that crazy? When Laurel started talking about gym class Jon and I looked at each other like, “For real? That’s it? We’re done with that convo? That was so easy!”
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March 28th, 2010 at 7:00 pm
I’m Jewish so no opem caskets and the first time I attended an open casket wake was a few years ago. I was FREAKED out and couldn’t stop staring (but I have an unusual fascination with dead people/death/funerals/etc… that best not be spoken about).
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March 29th, 2010 at 11:02 pm
It sounds like you and Jon have the “playing it cool” thing down. I remember my first open casket experience. It was for an acquaintance’s father. I was older than Laurel (probably about 12), but my parents gave me the option of going up or not going up. I ended up going and was glad I did. Never an easy thing to go to…
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March 30th, 2010 at 9:25 am
First, sorry about the rough past few weeks. All one can really ask is to simply get through it. This post was an eye opener. It shows just how much kids can just take things at face value if us adults don’t get all freaked out about them. We recently had the birds and bees talk with our son. He pretty much nodded and then proceeded to ask us a bunch of questions about genetics. Whew!!!
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March 31st, 2010 at 1:22 pm
What a beautiful post. I don’t think you can ever really be prepared for this. I’m guessing our personal pain would make it instinctive to close ranks and under the guise of “protecting” our kids, not giving them an opportunity to be involved in this. I believe you’ve done something here that is insightful. Open caskets kind of freak me out. But that’s because I’ve never seen one. Treating it like a normal thing means your daughter asked completely normal questions and will be fine with it. We encourage them to treat other rites of passage with this same confidence (for me, it’s particular to birthing), so why not this too? Thanks so much Christine.
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March 31st, 2010 at 1:48 pm
What an awesome write up, thank you for sharing that…I think you have touched on something so correct - kids really respond well to matter of fact, honest, tell it as it is language. Kids pick up when information is being hidden or is not honest. For example, I am shocked at how many people tell their kids that their relative, friend, family pet, has gone on a holiday. (when they have really died and will never be seen again).
Honesty about death and why we have traditions etc afterward is so important in our kids growing up with a healthy understanding of life and death. Well done on your honesty - and I’m so glad it was such a rewarding experience for her, and for your family.
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April 14th, 2010 at 9:11 am
[...] And though in general I live a very happy life, I’ve admittedly been a bit more raw around the edges the last few weeks. Whatever is going on, I need to find a way to smooth out whatever is [...]
January 27th, 2011 at 9:53 pm
a good friend of mine lost her husband 2 days ago, she has two daugter, one who is 6 the other is 12…. they have never been to an open casket ceremony before, and alain mentioned before to his wife thats what he wated if he ever died…
so we have a mother who is desperate in this moment, and i took her kids under my wing for the week, the funeral is in 2 two days and i would love to have some idea on how to explain what is going to happen in the funeral home!
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July 8th, 2011 at 12:16 pm
[...] to talk openly to kids about death (in an age appropriate way of course); in fact, Laurel has attended an open casket funeral and it was totally fine (and she’s very comfortable in cemeteries since we visit my Dad’s [...]