I’ve always described my parents as traditional or old-fashioned in outlook, particularly when it came to matters of courting (what the hell, I’ll follow suit in terminology). After my first (super toxic) serious relationship (which I completely hid from my parents for three years, knowing the disapproval was guaranteed), I found it rather frustrating that my parents marked my next (way more healthy) serious relationship down for matters that were largely out of his control (his parents were divorced, the family was somewhat fragmented and liked to drink a lot, etc.). When Jon and I started dating, I had mixed feelings about their blissful approval. Not only did they like Jon as a person, but they liked that he was smart and accomplished (salutatorian of his high school class even), and just as importantly to them, they adored his parents, who were still married, deeply connected to their parents, and even “people of God” (both are ordained ministers).
I used to think all of this was ridiculous. Then somewhere along the line, I started to see their perspective; that a marriage isn’t just about a marrying of two people, it’s a marrying of families. This concept became clearer to me in different moments, such as when I heard the elation in my parents’ voices when they got together with Jon’s parents without us present. Or when Jon’s parents came to my father’s funeral and stood by my family as we knelt graveside, sobbing and throwing roses on my dad’s casket. Or in countless small and large moments during which I have experienced laughter, kindness, and generosity with Jon’s extended family.
On Saturday, Jon and I went to the funeral of the father of our dear friend Michael and I was moved on several levels. First, I love Michael and his wife Anne immensely; they’re the kind of friends who I wish lived next door yet they currently live on the other side of the world. Second, as someone who hasn’t yet found inspiration in the ritual of church, I felt that the priest’s remembrance of Michael’s father was incredibly moving, humorous, and down to earth. Third, I couldn’t help but be a little overwhelmed by the parallels in circumstance; my father and Michael’s father experienced a similar downward trajectory in health, were tended to by devoted and mindboggling-ly optimistic women, had many children, and died at the same age. Despite being quieted in their late years by their illnesses, both remained strong, unifying roots for their respective families.
And finally, I was moved by the cohesiveness of Anne and Michael’s families. Though complex and multidimensional and fragmented in places like many families, the presence of all of these people made clear how devoted and unified they are. So much so that it occurred to me that I often don’t even think of the various family members as belonging to one side or another. Seeing them together in that moment added a data point in favor of my parent’s perspective about marriage and families.
On a related note, early this morning my uncle – my dad’s brother – died. I was glad I had a chance to see him last week and also catch up with my cousins. And once again, I was struck by the parallels – the round the clock vigils, the weary but spirited demeanor of my cousins and aunt, the hospital room (which, strangely enough, was the same hospital room my dad resided in), and the amazing way the family — and their families by marriage — rallied on my uncle’s behalf.
There will be another funeral to attend soon, but these thoughts are the ones that bring me peace and help me remember the joy; not only the joy of the individual, but of all the people that one person has the power to touch and unify.
March 22nd, 2010 at 12:49 pm
I agree with the marrying of families. My mom was not pleased with my first serious relationship, and I felt it was not his fault. But I am so thankful that I ended up marrying someone whose family easily compliments my own.
I’m sorry to hear you’ve had so much sadness of late.
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Christine Koh Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 7:42 pm
Thanks Jo-Lynne. Interesting parallel here, and a blessing that your and your husband’s family meshes well. So glad for that!
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March 22nd, 2010 at 12:55 pm
Oh, Christine! I’m so sorry about your uncle. I wish I had something more profound to say—just know I can feel the heaviness (fullness?) of your heart. Love and hugs and prayers!
a
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Christine Koh Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 7:43 pm
Thanks so much Amanda! xoxo
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March 22nd, 2010 at 1:02 pm
Christine. Thanks for sharing your news and your feelings. I was in a four year relationship with a guy who lost his dad and then his mom within 2 years of each other. It was so hard. When I got married, a month after our wedding, my husband’s uncle died in a tragic car accident on 128. Even though I had known him a short time, he made me feel welcome into the family. Two very different experiences that shaped two different relationships. Also, be it your family, friends, neighbors or us online vffs (as opposed to the bff), we understand your feelings, share your grief, and your questions about life. But we are here for you!
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March 22nd, 2010 at 1:07 pm
I’m sorry to hear about the death of your uncle. May he rest in peace.
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March 22nd, 2010 at 1:25 pm
CK, I’m so sorry to hear about your losses! It’s true, however; it’s so important to have strong and supportive families (and friends, when we’re not lucky enough on the roll of the family dice) to help you through all the stages of both living and grieving and then living again — and how little weight we, blinded by love, sometimes give those bonds and relationships and extended circles when choosing a partner. What a beautiful post and what poignant reminders to be more present in the lives of those we care about while we still have them among us. Big bear hugs.
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Christine Koh Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 7:45 pm
Excellent point Melissa, about “friend families” — we definitely are blessed to have many loved ones in this bucket and similarly, I always feel immensely grateful for their support and unconditional love!
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March 22nd, 2010 at 3:08 pm
Hi Christine,
I’m sorry there has been so much sadness in your life, and in the lives of your and your friends’ families. To grieve together lightens the burden, and strengthens bonds. Remember the joy, indeed (even though that’s easier said than done), or visualize them. My good friend H., who lost her mother when he was 19, and recently her grandmother, whom she was very close to, likes to visualize them dancing together on the beach.
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March 22nd, 2010 at 3:09 pm
Christine,
sorry to hear about the loss of your uncle so soon after your dad. You are indeed very lucky to have such wonderful strong and supportive family around you.
Our thoughts are with you and your family.
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Christine Koh Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 7:47 pm
Thanks so much Justine. My dad actually passed away 4 years ago but it still feels very fresh, particularly as the various parallels have cropped up. But the best thing (bright side girl that I am…) is that I have no regrets at all about our relationship, having spent so much time with him at the end of his life. A true blessing.
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March 22nd, 2010 at 6:40 pm
Wishing you peace and a few moments of quiet reflection. Marriage is a wild and wonderful institution. I think more young engage couples should think about down the line scenarios. Supportive inlaws can make a huge difference.
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Christine Koh Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 7:51 pm
Thank you Nicole. I sort of think this should be part of marriage counseling or something… it’s hard for me to envision not having supportive in-laws! I hope you enjoy the same. xo
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March 23rd, 2010 at 8:50 am
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March 23rd, 2010 at 1:45 pm
Thinking of you. Death is tough and it’s understandable you’re feeling a bit fragile right now.
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Christine Koh Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 1:48 pm
Thanks my dear. Did you know that one of the things that cheers me enormously is reading your fashion posts? You are such a rock star. Thanks for that gift. xoxo
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March 25th, 2010 at 10:35 am
I’m so sorry for your recent losses, and this post is really beautiful.
Early on before we had so many kids on all sides of our families, every holiday ALL of us would celebrate together (my family, Jeff’s family, his sister’s family and even HER inlaws!) It was awesome. And it is such a blessing when everyone gets along. Very traditional, but it IS nice when it’s there.
Steph
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Christine Koh Reply:
March 25th, 2010 at 10:58 am
Thank you for your kind words Steph. It doesn’t surprise me in the least that there’s a lot of cohesiveness and love and extension through your and your husband’s families. I imagine your wonderful energy and spirit contributes a lot to that.
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March 26th, 2010 at 9:23 am
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