Today is Laurel’s first real school field trip. Gone are the days of the preschool walk to the pond or fire station. We’ve entered the big leagues. Big yellow school bus. Highway driving.
And parent chaperones.
I’m feeling conflicted this morning. As a kid, I desperately wanted my parents to be involved; I so craved their time and attention (as one of seven kids, one on one time was pretty much nonexistent). So I always thought that when Laurel set off on her first big kid field trip, I’d be the one by her side.
But I’m struggling to adjust to our new schedule, which has cut back my work hours by 20% (not sure why I didn’t see this as a problem when those pesky after-care forms passed me by…). I subsequently saw the notice about the field trip and my first thought was, “There’s no way I can give up those 6 hours of work time.”
Jon decided to be the chaperone. He wanted to do it, plus we were both wondering how the hell Laurel – still struggling with her kindergarten transition – would cope with the school bus (response when we told her about the bus suggested it would not go well). I applauded the decision, felt blessed that Jon was willing to be flexible with his client schedule, and went about the all-important task of figuring out what to pack for lunch and snack.
But as Jon and Laurel left this morning, heading out hand in hand on this gorgeous fall day and for this big adventure, I felt a palpable sadness that markedly contrasted Laurel’s excited squeals about having Daddy with her for the school day.
I was missing this moment in favor of taking care of business.
I wonder if this is how my mom felt.
September 21st, 2009 at 8:50 am
Oof. I don’t envy you one bit today.
Do you think you made the right call?
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September 21st, 2009 at 10:20 am
I am in tears reading this.. we will always be plagued with mother’s guilt no matter what the situation is, but when is it right and when is it too far??
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September 21st, 2009 at 10:57 am
The hardest thing I’m discovering about my boys getting older is realizing that they have lives I know nothing about; conversations with friends, games at school, playdates, that I don’t oversee anymore. Letting go is really tough.
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September 21st, 2009 at 11:50 am
I hear you. Sometimes we don’t get enough notice for me to be able to rearrange my client schedule, and I feel like I’m choosing other people over my own kids. It’s the same when the daycare calls because somebody has a fever. I can’t just drop everything the way I used to when I worked in a hospital and had staff to deal with the rescheduling, or in the even easier (yes, easier) days of grad school. Last week the baby was sick and *Daddy* juggled his meetings and went to get her while I waited anxiously at work, thinking, “how are these other people (clients who expect me to be there for them, too) more important than my feverish baby?” Obviously if it was serious, I’d go, but still…eesh.
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September 21st, 2009 at 1:18 pm
I have had those moments many times since my 5th grader went on his first sojourn without me.
It leaves you feeling a little empty. What I always try to tell myself, is that mothering, actually, is actually a letting-go process. Raising children is an act of letting go: as parents, we are there to teach them how to be independent someday. The fact that Laurel went off happily meant that you gave her a gift in a different way: not of accompanying her, ministering to her as she opened her lunch, but of letting go, for a day, but also one step further toward allowing her to become that lovely young, independent women she’ll someday become and you will be thankful for that you allowed her to spread her wings without you. When she comes home safe today, it will bookend an experience that will make the next time easier. The feelings will stay with you but you will know that it is with a purpose that you’re letting her go. It’s like sand - if you hold on too tightly to it, it will slip through your fingers. I always remember what my mother-in-law taught me: Eleanor Roosevelt once said “Your children are only loaned to you.” It helps to relinquish the control we think we have, and sit back and let nature take the lead.
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September 22nd, 2009 at 3:01 pm
I’m with Kim. It’s hard to see your little ones go off without you, but in the end, she’s getting to spend precious time with Daddy and taking one step closer to being her own person. That’s good thing.
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September 22nd, 2009 at 11:43 pm
One of these days I hope we, as women and moms, finally find a way to cut ourselves some slack and get rid of the mom guilt! (says the woman who wants to go downstairs and kiss her son goodnight one.more.time)
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April 7th, 2010 at 12:07 pm
[...] But last night I decided to go. Admittedly, partially I was motivated by not wanting Laurel to be the only kid there without a parent, but I also would have only myself to blame if I allowed history to repeat itself. [...]