One of the most widely cited articles in the psychological literature is George Miller’s paper about the magical number seven, plus or minus two. As someone who studied human memory and cognition, I read this paper several times during graduate school. The gist is that Miller found repeated occurrences in which human information processing capacity (e.g., remembering a string of numbers) tends to be about seven, plus or minus two.
So how does memory theory relate to blog trips and family balance, you ask?
I recently received an event invitation from a major corporation. The company wasn’t the best fit for my editorial point of view (i.e., it’s a non-organic food brand), but I was intrigued; I thought it could be a good opportunity for me to raise my eco-geek voice to The Man. Logistically, the trip also made sense because I have to fly across the country anyway for another trip and could back-to-back the two events. And personally, when I saw the roster – which includes several blog friends I would love, love, love to see – I felt more compelled to go.
I brought up the itinerary with Jon and not surprisingly, was met with some resistance. We duked it out as only waspy New Englanders can: quietly, intellectually, and with plenty of festering. He felt that I was choosing work over family; that my actions indicated I needed an escape from him and Laurel. I felt annoyed and offended by these comments, particularly because I’m actually very selective about what I’ll even bring up with him; I don’t bother telling him about the invitations I turn down (though maybe I should, to get some credit for that). Plus, I’m in the classic mom position of being the default parent when child care evaporates, Laurel gets sick, etc. I also make birthday cakes from scratch. I do not feel as if I am someone who chooses work over family all of the time.
So to set some expectations, we tried to determine how many trips a year would be reasonable. At first I said three. Then Jon reminded me that I took three trips in July alone. Then I thought six seemed like a pretty reasonable number (rationale = once every other month), but then I thought maybe seven would be a better number (rationale = BlogHer automatically takes one space then I have six degrees of freedom for other trips).
And there I was at the magical number seven.
It was almost a little eerie.
In a really nerdy way.
We resumed the waspy squabbling, let the issue sit for a while, and never got around to mutually agreeing on a number (be it 5, 7, 9, or otherwise), but at the end of the day, Jon gave me his support to attend the event.
And then I paused.
I was nagged by the following:
1. Did I really want to be away for a week in September, while my adjustment-woe-prone daughter is in the process of adjusting to kindergarten?
2. After reflecting on Liz’s post on quantifying one’s worth – which I do on a regular basis when I bill and estimate projects for clients – could I really justify spending three days away (i.e., time that I could spend billing client projects) for an event that wasn’t a perfect fit?
3. And yes, back to that important point: the fit wasn’t perfect. Even if I could push my eco-agenda, that would only be a small piece of my involvement. I felt that I’d be doing a disservice to myself and to the brand to travel when the event might be a better fit for another blogger.
4. Finally, there was my friend Steph’s post on taking a break from blogger junkets in order to be with her family. I read that post right after Jon emailed me, telling me to go ahead and book the trip.
So what’s the conclusion? I haven’t figured out my magic number. But I do feel strongly that this isn’t a time to be wasteful – with family time, work time, airplane fuel, the efforts of brands reaching out, or anything else. I’m going to keep following my instincts and only opt in to events that are a perfect fit and make sense from a family systems perspective.
I RSVP’d in the negative for the event that Jon and I squabbled over. And now I feel completely at peace.
September 4th, 2009 at 11:26 am
Good for you!
I can totally relate. If it’s without my family, I primarily travel during the summer. (My husband’s a teacher/has the summers off of work.)
Fortunately, I live in NYC where a lot of events are held. Even with that though, I have to pick things around my family’s schedule. We are definitely a “family-first” type family.
I’m glad to read that I’m not the only one having these types of “conversations” with my husband!
[Reply]
September 4th, 2009 at 11:43 am
I have never been to NYC and just turned down a trip there. I didn’t even give it a second thought (because maybe if I did it would have been more difficult to talk myself out of it!)
The trips as a result of blogging are a blessing and a curse. I am a Mom first, blogger second. If it keeps me from being Mom too much, it just isn’t going to work, for ME. I am the primary caregiver for my children. We don’t have family, friends, or sitters that can step in when I am gone, so my hubby has to take vacation time. Just typing it out here makes it all sound so silly.
I am so thankful for the opportunities that I have had in the past, and the awesome perks and pamperings of the trips I’ve been on. Most of all I love the relationships that I have encountered along the way (including you!) But thankfully those people are still here online everyday, trips or not. My kids and their needs change by the hour. As does the amount that is on my plate. Saying no to many of the extra things lately has brought much peace for me, too.
Love you, Christine.
Steph
[Reply]
September 4th, 2009 at 10:43 pm
I sometimes have to travel for work and that alone eats up all my “time away from family” so that any blog trips are way above my allotment of travel. I hadn’t planned on going to BlogHer this year until they asked me to speak. Sometimes my job makes it easy for me to turn down any blogging trips that come along, but then I feel as though I am missing out on the blogging experience (and don’t get me started on all the local events that happen only during work hours). It’s all about finding the right balance. With a demanding full-time job outside of the home, blogging is often a third wheel for me.
[Reply]
September 5th, 2009 at 1:35 am
Reading Liz’s piece gave me pause. I’m a SAHM, the primary caregiver to my son. I’ve traveled more in the past three months than in the last 10 years (I’m not exaggerating, we hardly go anywhere). But Liz made me question whether accepting these free* trips is good for me and the rest of the blogging community. Am I a sell-out if I go?
I’m tempted to say “no” but only because I feel that being able to go somewhere, alone! and meet other women and connect with a company can’t possibly be a bad thing and I consider it how I get “paid” since my blog bring in no income.
But Liz’s words have really stuck with me and I just don’t know what to do.
[Reply]
September 5th, 2009 at 8:02 am
Brava, on all counts!
BTW - that bit about waspy fighting style? SO funny, as it is SO TRUE!
[Reply]
September 7th, 2009 at 9:28 am
Sounds like you made the right choice for yourself and your family.
[Reply]
September 7th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Hi Christine,
Oh, I can relate on so many levels! And though I wouldn’t have it any other way, I so take issue with the mom as default parent thing. The situation you are describing above, one where you are giving your husband advanced notice of a business trip and he pulls the work vs family card kinda makes my skin boil. Because the expectation always seems to be family first for moms. Your ultimate decision sounds like it was the right on, but the fact you had to go through all that seems pretty unnecessary. But you can bet it would’ve played out the exact same way in my house!
[Reply]
September 30th, 2009 at 10:55 am
[...] always consider blog junkets carefully, but have had to wield an exceedingly ruthless negative RSVP button in the last year, as events and invitations have ballooned in volume. There are many reasons why a blogger decides [...]
October 28th, 2009 at 11:28 am
[...] my point is this. In recent months I have been wrestling with Jon over blog trips and becoming super picky about events that I will attend. Obviously a party and a live show are a [...]