*Note: I’ve never been wild about the term mommy blogger, but I use it here given common convention.
I arrived home from BlogHer early this morning in a bleary eyed haze attributable to much more than my 4am wake up call and steady BlogHer “diet” of cocktails and finger foods.
This, my friends, apparently is the age of mommy blogger discontent.
Before I get started, let me say that for the most part, I had a fabulous time at BlogHer. I didn’t learn any new skills per se (that’s fodder for a separate post) but I walked in with a positive, adolescent-issue-free mindset, and experienced both the utter joy of connecting and catching up with bloggers I adore and respect, and the humbling honor of having bloggers approach me with kind words about my work. Even my regret over missing out on more face time with friends such as Jennifer and Elizabeth were positive misgivings, in the sense that I suspect any amount of time with them would never feel like enough. And then of course there was the freedom from household chores and the ability to party it up with my friends during the wee hours. It was so ridiculously fun.
In stark contrast, the negatives were grossly observable in embarrassing ways; for example, the swag-related mayhem that reduced people to elbowing babies and bloggers to get goods, or the instances of bloggers making absurd demands of expo brands (e.g., asking for free product on the spot - one for review and one for a giveaway of course - even apparently to the level of asking for an addition to one’s home…I sh*t you not).
This behavior made me cringe on a basic ethical level, but what deeply and palpably saddened me to my core was that the perpetrators apparently were the mommy bloggers.
Now, as a former academic and data cruncher, it’s difficult for me to make a statement like this and not back it up with some hard numbers. This generalization was discerned from my own observations (mom bloggers I recognized or overheard) and conversations with many others (mom bloggers others recognized or overheard). And frankly, I wish I had more data points to suggest otherwise, because by the end of the weekend, I was embarrassed to be identified as part of this niche (via my primary blog Boston Mamas).
So what the hell is all of this about? Many of us mommy bloggers didn’t care about the swag (and really why would you care about free sponges if you have the delicious Ivy?) but we certainly appeared to be in the minority. The greed and entitlement were perplexing, yet the strong sense of discontent, longing, and righteous indignation seemed similar to the emotions felt around inclusion in blogger junkets and the quest for “A-list” blogger status.
It’s impossible to pinpoint a single source of the discontent from the mommy blogging community. Perhaps it’s a power in numbers thing, as more moms are hopping on the bandwagon every day. Perhaps it’s a basic biological survival instinct kicking in in the presence of product (think circling the carcass in the dead of winter). Perhaps bloggers who are making little or no money from their blogs feel that they deserve something in return for the expenses they incurred to get to the conference (other than, you know, the programming). Perhaps there is true financial hardship and the family really needs the extra detergent samples or whatever to survive (seems a shady excuse I’m afraid). Perhaps it feels unfair to have stories of diaper changes gone awry that seem similar to those translated by the “big bloggers” but that have not gotten on agency radars. Perhaps the elusive dreams of financial success of the level of mommy bloggers Heather and Danielle have made bloggers so crazy and dizzy over the possibilities that they forego courtesy and good graces.
The etiology of the discontent and subsequent deplorable behavior remains mysterious to me, but one thing is clear. The discontent doesn’t stop at the level of pining over swag or event invitations or climbing the mommy blogging ranks. It’s truly sad that we’ve come to a point where bloggers feel the need to qualify their blogging identity with, “Not all bloggers are like that” or “Don’t call me a mommy blogger.” Because at the end of the day blogging is supposed to be about creating and sharing and community. It’s deeply troubling that bloggers are losing sight of these basic principles in the presence of free stickers and sponge samples.
10:33 pm on July 26th, 2009
Still formulating my thoughts, but it was so great to see you, even if just for a few minutes!
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10:37 pm on July 26th, 2009
The more I read, the more I cringe.
Really sad that I wasn’t there and didn’t get to finally meet you.
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10:54 pm on July 26th, 2009
Hi,
Not a mommy blogger
But I really keep an eye on the rumblings, or the line in the sand that seems to be getting deeper in this part of the blogiverse. It kind of reminds me of when the BIG Hollywood studios started taking over Sundance Film Festival and the “real indies” hightailed it out of that limelight screaming bloddy murder, and created their own brand new thing “Slamdance Film Festival” in the mid nineties.
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12:51 am on July 27th, 2009
What came across to me as the big theme of this BlogHer conference was maintaining your integrity and not losing sight of your passion.
It was great to meet you, & I appreciated your comments in the Brands & Bloggers session about being selective about the products that you review and minimizing waste.
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6:46 am on July 27th, 2009
I am so proud that the community has people like you in it to lift us up. I think it’s time for a redefinition of what constitutes “A-list status” (if there even is such a thing) because I’d imagine the ability to talk a marketer into sending you crap doesn’t fit the bill. Do you ever see A-list celebrities at the Golden Globes free swag events? Nope. There’s a reason.
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7:19 am on July 27th, 2009
I’m still processing everything. My brain is swirling. I do know that it was wonderful seeing you again in real life, even only for a few minutes.
The one thing I have come to realize is that I will probably not go to another Blogher again. I’m really jaded right now. It was way too big, too busy, and sponsors were everywhere, although I do realize Blogher has to pay the bills.
I need to connect to bloggers in a more intimate setting to get anything out of a conference.
I didn’t see any fighting over swag, but I did see people crashing private/invite-only suites because they were looking for food and swag and also meeting people on the elevator who followed me to a RSVP suite to get swag because, “all they can say is no.” Are you kidding me?
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8:34 am on July 27th, 2009
Interesting viewpoint. I was not there but did sent a rep (Flat Bad Momma). I was worried about a possible Swag Stampede. Free Stuff sometimes does that. Having owned a retail store for many years, I am a bit immune to the Swag Siren’s call.
I started my blog as a learning tool and never tried to monetize it. Zero expectations of fame & fortune make my blog a complete joy! That truly is the key to happiness: Low Expectations.
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8:37 am on July 27th, 2009
I’m here following a tweet and although I heard about the craziness of BlogHer I didn’t think it was that bad (elbowing?!). Wow… I am really looking forward to my first blogging conference - I hope to go to TypeAMom Conference in September and I really want to go to BlogHer 2010. One thing I’ve learned is that you must maintain a level of control and be classy at all times.
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8:38 am on July 27th, 2009
I unfortunately wasn’t there but was checking Twitter over the weekend this swag/elbowing people angered many women that I follow. As people were leaving, they were still thinking about it as they boarded their planes.
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8:45 am on July 27th, 2009
I think it’s pretty sad to hear of women fighting over a $2 product. I was sad I didn’t make it this year but I wanted the opportunity to meet everyone.
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8:47 am on July 27th, 2009
Christine: This is so odd to me. I mean, I understand wanting free stuff. I do. The first tweet I saw from the Social Luxe party was a pair of crocs and a camera from Kodak. I mean, when I’m sitting with a crying 10mo in a messy house eating mac/cheese that was pretty enviable, kwim?
HOWEVER, it just makes me wonder WHAT in the world was going on at BlogHer? It sounds like a 3rd world country bazaar with PR people (and the bloggers they sponsored) just hawking their wares on the street corner. But that being said, people are just people. When I did the Race for the Cure, there was tons of swag. And people were elbowing others out of the way for a Skinny Cow or a plastic cup of chicken from Tyson. (*gag*)
What makes me the most upset about this is the people that ASSUME that ALL mommy-bloggers are doing this. And if you accept a DVD from a PR company you are the same as these imbeciles who punched a baby for a Mr. Potato Head.
I’m embarrassed on both sides. I don’t want to fall in the free-stuff-someone-thinks-i’m-cool-enough thing. BUT I wanna be a mommy-blogger. I don’t want some old-school blogger telling me I’m not a TRUE blogger b/c they don’t write soul-searching-i-love-my-children’s-every-sigh posts every single day.
That probably didn’t even make sense. I’m just so OVER the whole definition of a mommy blogger/authenticity/PR conversation.
ps–I agreed w/your whole post, so hopefully I didn’t come across as arguing.
a
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8:50 am on July 27th, 2009
I really hope you’re not categorizing all mommy bloggers like this. I was there, did not try to get any extra share of swag, nor could care less about having the sponsors want to give me extras. I write my blog because I love to write and am not in it for the extras.
And I’m glad I was nowhere near any of that mayhem you’ve described.
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8:55 am on July 27th, 2009
I think there was a lot of pre blogher posts about the free stuff and people got blinded. There are blogs out there that review things for that same reason and only that reason so this was pure heaven of free stuff to them. I just don’t get people coming all this way, taking time away from their daily lives for free samples and tee shirts that will never see anything but the gym .
I did learn a lot, I went to a lot of sessions and geek labs were great but the swag was not the highlight.
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8:56 am on July 27th, 2009
Good seeing you again at BlogHer. A comment from a marketer’s point of view: Some mom bloggers are clearly more professional in their behavior than others. While I think the majority of mom bloggers are absolutely terrific, there are those who seem to believe that the very fact that they are moms and blog entitles them to — well, everything! As in any scenario, the front seats must be earned.
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9:02 am on July 27th, 2009
God it sounds bl*ody awful! Here I was sat in ol Blighty thinking that Im missing out, but it sounds worse than the first day at the Harrods sale!!
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9:02 am on July 27th, 2009
Hi folks, thanks for the thoughtful comments.
And MaNIC MoMMY - absolutely was not categorizing all mommy bloggers as reflective of this behavior. My issue was that the very visible and aggressive behavior of some at BlogHer was giving all of us in the mommy blogger niche a really, really distasteful name. I talked to both bloggers and companies about it…and I was truly embarrassed for all of us in this space.
Also, to Amanda’s point — there is nothing wrong with enjoying free stuff. That’s natural and I did come home with swag (largely they were things earmarked or given directly to me… I refused to engage in the swag stampede obviously), but there was something about the frantic swarming and aggressive behavior that was so bizarre. Not to mention the sense of entitlement that I saw when bloggers would go up to brands at the expo and make their demands (sometimes big ones).
I think at the end of the day, ANY blogger (mommy or otherwise) is going to differ in their voice and purpose with their blog and that is what is so fantastic about this community. But what I hope people can stay focused on is that pure and simple beauty of creating and sharing and community - not what they think they can squeeze from a company by virtue of having a blog.
-Christine
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9:07 am on July 27th, 2009
As a relatively new participant in this whole insular world of the mommy bloggers I must admit it’s always been the sorority like nature that turns me off the most. I find it sad indeed that women can’t just speak their own truths, encourage other like minded women to do the same, and leave the childish antics behind. Hopefully this is a wake-up call for a lot of women and this mommy blogger backlash (which was bound to happen I guess) will whip the blogosphere into shape a bit. Let’s have some integrity girls.
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9:08 am on July 27th, 2009
I walked into BlogHer with this naive sense of wonder. It was, quite literally, a series of seemingly miraculous events that even got me there. So I was utterly, eternally grateful just to be able to make it. Because two nights in that hotel would have paid a MONTH of my house payment. The cost for most people for that weekend would have covered my household bills for an entire month. I got there without having to pay a penny because of the kindness of total strangers, NONE OF WHOM WERE A CORPORATE SPONSOR. So no swag/PR pushing from me!
Anyway… I was very saddened by the madness surrounding the swag. Because while getting free stuff was fun, it seemed to become the focus of the conference for many people. And if they just wanted a Mrs. Potato Head, they could have bought one for FAR less than they paid to show up at that hotel in Chicago!
And as a mom living in poverty who often can’t afford basics like laundry detergent and shampoo… yes, getting those samples in the swag was nice. But it would not EVER justify the behavior displayed by some people. As someone who is truly poor, not just broke because of some obsessed desire to live a life that one can’t afford, but truly, truly poor… living in an $18,000 house and still barely able to afford that… I was HAPPY to get the swag that I got, but would NEVER push for it the way I saw others doing so. To see women in outfits that cost more than I make in a WEEK practically tearing each other up for a toy… I wanted to cry.
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9:17 am on July 27th, 2009
Gwynne, thank you so much for sharing your perspective. I am so glad that you were able to make it to BlogHer.
You hit the nail on the head re: one of my etiology points and perhaps I should have clarified it better. Under the assumption that anyone who was there had the resources to get there (save the sponsorship thing of course), it was mystifying to see (as you point out, well dressed) people duke it out over $2 items. It’s even more embarrassing in the context you shared above — as someone who actually could really use that stuff to support your family, you maintained grace and dignity and did not engage in that circus.
Thanks for sharing, Christine
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9:21 am on July 27th, 2009
I found a link to this in a tweet from Mommytracked — BRAVO! I was not able to attend Blogher, but I can only imagine.
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9:31 am on July 27th, 2009
I totally agree with you. Wow, makes me sad to be in this group right now because I certainly wouldn’t want to be thought of like this. At the same time I do enjoy a few free things- I think we all do but that’s not what I’m here for. I’ve been doing this for over 6 yrs so it’s obvious. LOL.
And, making demands…that’s just CRAZY. What happened to being professional?
Certainly wished I could have been there - so we could have really gotten to know each other a bit better
Maybe next year or maybe another event.
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9:37 am on July 27th, 2009
I am one of those that arrived home last night with a suitcase that was 15lbs over the limit. I definitely enjoyed being offered free crap and took what I thought I would use. I said please, I said thank you, and I didn’t elbow anyone to get to any booths (that I know of. Sorry if I inadvertently did). My point is that these companies (AKA sponsors who allow us to pay minimal fees to attend BlogHer) were offering this swag to us bloggers as a promotion. While there was some gross misuse of the swag (people entering a party, grabbing a bag and leaving within 1.5minutes - EW), I think for the most part we just played our part as the recipients of new products - just as we are when we accept a product for review.
I’m sorry that once again the “mommy bloggers” (a term which I’ve actually never used to describe myself) are getting burnt at the stake.
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10:11 am on July 27th, 2009
Christine…thanks for being willing to be the messenger for a possibly unpopular perspective. I’ve been nervous about this negative development in the blogosphere for a long time now. It’s obviously a bigger trend/concern than limited to bad behavior at a conference. It’s about what Meredith Sinclair characterizes as a “sorority” vibe.
As you know, I have a business which is centered on providing product reviews–this is all we do. In approaching some bloggers to partner–like you–we meet wonderful, respectful professionals. Women who realize we are also busy people (moms too) trying to do a good job. But there is this minority of people who think being a frazzled and rude persona somehow enhances their social credit. Odd. I’ve never seen that being a winning strategy in any profession.
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11:41 am on July 27th, 2009
I read about a lot of different groups of people attending ‘cons’ (conventions), and really enjoyed reading your gleeful anticipation of the event as something different, but, sadly, it sounds just the same. Some folks who attend ‘cons’ are really interested in the subject, and trying, sometimes desperately, to tune into other like-minded folks and enjoy the community, while others are there to pretend that they are in a niche-specific Vegas, where *any* behaviour goes, and they can get away with it. The latter group are why I avoid cons like the plague, unless I *know* I can submerge myself immediately in the folks I WANT to see as soon as I can arrive.
It would be nice if Mom bloggers were different, but, well, more proof that we are a real cross-section of society has never been made more clear; thanks for sharing it (I think). At least you made some friends, and got to meet Tim Gunn.
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1:29 pm on July 27th, 2009
I wrote a very similar post and I could not agree more.
This was my first blogher and I found myself very upset about the commercial nature of it and the behavior of some people.
I’m thinking about a I don’t blog for swag button.
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2:06 pm on July 27th, 2009
Yes. : )
Squeezing Ivy’s haunches for you RIGHT NOW.
Steph
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6:39 pm on July 27th, 2009
The swag sense of entitlement was unbelievable. I heard a story of a blogger approaching a company and saying ‘if you don’t give me a free product I will write a horrible review of you’. Disgusting! No wonder there are brands that shy away from working with bloggers!
@chaotic_barb
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7:52 pm on July 27th, 2009
I really thought that someone was going to draw blood st the Room 704 party. I have never seen such insanity. I mean sure, it was nice to get s bag (even though the vibrator was stolen by TSA), but I appreciated the human contact much more.
I wish there had been more balance between the MommyBlogger PR/Sponsor bonanza and discussions about craft development. The insanity left some of us non-MommyBloggers a bit alienated.
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9:15 pm on July 27th, 2009
Hi folks. I’m not a mom. We all are still recovering/decompressing on what can will learn from BlogHer09.
I can say that most of the attendees were fine and behaved themselves. It was the less than 10% that were showing their tails and what was under them. It is those women’s behaviors that is getting attention.
It was a small portion that embarrassed themselves, although they wouldn’t know it or fess up to it if you showed them the video. God knows I tried to record that 704 Party insanity but it was too dark. Their were people with better cameras so that truth will soon become apparent.
I think that there has to be an honest discussion of what is acceptable mommy blogger away from home behavior. Disrespecting other women, sponsors and vendors is never acceptable.
Being a mom does not give you rights to double dip on sponsor swag, demand your way into invitation only parties, be better than anybody else or show yourself like you had the divine right to act like a horse’s patoot.
I will fess up to the log in my eye. I got so fed up with certain bad MB behavior I erupted in a session when I heard the term “mommy blogger” one time too many. That was wrong but I have to tell you that the fuse was lit because of a irresponsible group of people.
I’m still twitching when I hear the term. That is not fair to the many hard working MB’s who attended the conference and were equally disgusted at a small group who did wrong.
Getting blotto should not equal fun.
Five years ago the original Mommy Bloggers who spoke up wanted acknowledgement and recognition of their blogs. They didn’t say jack about disrespect or dominion.
Again, I speaking for me. Just me. Discussions are going on all over the place. This is good. It is important.
But I just wanted to say that I hope we can separate the “bad mommies bloggers” from the spirit of the conference.
That we can’t hold sponsors - and I can’t believe I’m typing this sentence - responsible for immature adult behavior. This isn’t the kind of PR they wanted.
I just needed to say this because I don’t want those on the dark side to smear the hard work it took to make the conference happen. There is much reflections that needs to happen.
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9:21 pm on July 27th, 2009
There is something about FREE that makes people say and do crazy things. It seems to bring out the greed in people.
I teach people how to win sweepstakes (and companies how to run better sweepstakes). I am also a “sweeper”. Because I win, a lot, I get called greedy, selfish and a cheat. When instead I spend a few hours each day entering sweepstakes properly, ensuring I don’t break the rules.
I am not surprised at the behaviour you witnessed at the convention, but I am saddened by it.
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10:54 pm on July 27th, 2009
Gena,
ABSOLUTELY. That’s why I lead this post by first pointing out the positives of the conference, and I actually also am planning on detailing the positives in a separate post.
I thought Jory, Elisa, and Lisa did a phenomenal job, and it just makes me incredibly sad that the behavior of some cast things so badly for those who identify as mom bloggers, and also marred the experience of other conference attendees and vendors alike.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Christine
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10:57 pm on July 27th, 2009
Brilliant.
I could not have said this any better. I honestly walked away from this conference with many of these same feelings and questions.
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9:17 am on July 28th, 2009
[...] Of all the BlogHer sessions I attended, the Women of Color and Marketing panel undoubtedly was the feistiest. No doubt this was due in part to spirited panelists Kelly, Heather, Karen, and Stefania, but there’s also the hot button nature of race and ethnicity discussions, plus the fact that niche marketing can be tricky. In a previous life I might not have had the courage and inner peace to even walk into a panel of that title, but I’m glad I do now and did walk through that door (thanks Victoria, for finding me a seat despite standing room only). Not only did the spirited conversation make clear some existing issues and concrete ways for blogger and brand relations to move forward, but I’ll be damned, all of a sudden I felt very connected to a new niche – that as a women of color blogger. And I swear, I’m not saying that just because mommy bloggers got a really bad rap at BlogHer. [...]
10:57 am on July 28th, 2009
Hello, I stopped by from another site and all your post are making me delay the reading of my google reader. At any rate I hope people are reading these comments as you are not the only one to discuss this and do better next year. I really wanted to go to blogher but apart of me is really glad that I didn’t. I’m hoping to go next year so I make me lovely ladies like you.
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11:41 am on July 28th, 2009
Christine, it was excellent to meet you in person finally. What I enjoyed the most was the pleasant feeling of seeing so many faces that looked “kinda familiar” like we were all part of one big high school class from way back when. I truly enjoyed the small conversations, hugs, and the OL friendships turning into RL friendships.
But you’re not writing about that part. The swag hag phenomenon was a little mystifying. Hopefully next time we’ll all have our better manners on since all. The lure of free stuff can turn well-intentioned people into crazy looters (apparently).
Me? Well, I’m just perfect. I went to BlogHer and only brought my kids small Lego keychains.
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7:29 am on July 29th, 2009
I was leaving SocialLuxe right as they ran out of bags and saw the discontent brewing - the truth is many people politely walked away… perhaps a bit bummed but certainly civil about it all. It’s unfortunate that BlogHer ‘09 is getting such a bad rap though - my take is the vast majority of people were there for the right reason and enjoyed being around the others they read & love.
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5:03 pm on July 29th, 2009
I have my own questions and concerns regarding BlogHer - but they come from my rather different perspective - and they don’t really relate much to yours. That said, I find your post to be right on the money, so to speak. Well said.
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9:52 am on July 30th, 2009
[...] it has long been known (6 days) that BlogHer 2010 will be in the Big Apple. And no amount of mommy blogger discontent will keep me from going because aside from the distasteful behavior (for a remarkably accurate [...]
11:25 am on July 30th, 2009
Great post Christine….well said!
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1:12 pm on July 30th, 2009
So over a solitary lunch of tortilla chips and Diet Coke at my kitchen counter I asked myself, “Why write yet another BlogHer post when Koh has already done it perfectly?”
Brilliant, doll.
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1:48 pm on July 30th, 2009
I had a great time at BlogHer. I loved meeting other bloggers as well as marketers like Stephanie from ChildsPlay (great comment Stephanie!) and enjoyed the sessions. Thanks for writing a positive post about BlogHer.
The people making a fuss over swag were just a small segment of the BlogHer crowd. And I’m looking forward to BlogHer 2010.
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2:53 pm on July 31st, 2009
[...] from the meeting – still feeling the highs of the awesomeness and the lows of the, well, really low behavior. And as I burned countless hours of work time this week reading BlogHer follow up posts, those by [...]
7:44 pm on August 1st, 2009
Though my arm and Ezra’s head became the poster children for women behaving badly, it in no way makes me feel jaded towards BlogHer. I have been to all 5 and will be there in ‘10.
Some women acting horrifically.
Most were amazing.
Still pondering it all but trust me, as the founder of mommybloggers.com and a speaker on that first panel that fought to bring respect to this term, a post on the whole mommyblogger backlash is coming.
It was great to meet you! Keep these wonderful posts coming!
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10:24 pm on August 4th, 2009
[...] were a lot of moms there. But there were many women in attendance who don’t have kids, too. Allegations of swag grabbing, threatening sponsors, and a sense of entitlement absolutely cannot be laid at the [...]
4:20 pm on August 18th, 2009
[...] The Age of Mommy Blogger Discontent [...]
9:08 am on August 28th, 2009
[...] read any of my previous posts about BlogHer 2009, you know that I’d like more awesomeness, less absurdness, tasteful implementation of blogger and sponsor relations, and more opportunity to convene with my [...]
9:56 am on October 5th, 2009
[...] I’ve described on this blog, it’s been a rocky year for blogging, particularly if you run in mommy blogging circles. And I’ll admit that I’ve had plenty of moments where I’ve felt rather blue about the state [...]
12:04 pm on December 6th, 2009
[...] this year but even had it not been, I think it would be tough to top as a best of. Despite some odd mommy blogger shenanigans (not BlogHer’s fault), the event was remarkable in that it created the space for me to [...]
9:45 pm on March 25th, 2010
[...] the true intension of the parties and even the day parts including Lynn Miller, and Cate Nelson, Christine Koh, and Stephanie [...]
1:26 pm on June 15th, 2010
[...] This topic makes me cringe but it must be addressed. Last year’s swag frenzy made me so uncomfortable. It was scary. And tacky. And sometimes causing of physical [...]
10:18 am on August 18th, 2010
[...] the shenanigans that ensued at BlogHer last year, I was a little worried about this year’s BlogHer [...]