Like I need another thing to have mom guilt over.
Last week Laurel and I went to the dentist. Remarkably, she was excited to go (they offer princess toothbrushes). She even was OK going in the chair this time without sitting on my lap (required since she needed to get her first x-rays). Everything was puppy dogs and unicorns until the x-rays came back and showed that she had THREE CAVITIES. After my initial silent response of “WTF? She is 4 years old!” I felt:
Reaction #1: Shame. The dentist and hygienist were not judgmental in the least but I felt as if the scarlet letter of oral hygiene was draped around my neck.
Reaction #2: Guilt. Bad mommy for not flossing Laurel’s teeth like they told me to at the last checkup. Bad mommy for not launching my curb the sweets campaign earlier.
Reaction #3: Injustice. Why oh why are Jon and my families prone to head’s full of excessive teeth (he needed 6 extracted as a kid, I needed at least 2-3…the tightness of Laurel’s teeth is part of the issue; the cavities are all between molars)? And why oh why does my daughter love mangoes and pineapples and other various foods that shred and get stuck between teeth and thus lead to cavities if not properly flossed out? And how oh how could this possibly be happening to my 4 year old when I didn’t go to the dentist until middle school (we didn’t have insurance) and everything worked out OK?
I wallowed in my feelings of shame, guilt, and injustice for the week leading up to our return visit (yesterday) to get the first cavity dealt with. Laurel was actually pretty relaxed going into it, and then things started to go south:
First: the topical numbing treatment. She definitely did not like the taste of this.
Second: the novacaine. Laurel was so brave when they gave it to her, but when she sat up to let the novacaine kick in her eyes were watering and she looked at me with this “Mommy, why did you let them do that to me?” look (insert sound of heart shattering).
Third: the drilling. Working really hard to unclench my body when my teeth are getting drilled is one thing. Watching Laurel’s tiny body on that big dental chair with all sorts of crap hanging out of her mouth and the drill going at her is a complete other thing. And then the writhing started. I immediately crawled under the arm of the dental chair and put my hand on Laurel’s hand, telling her I was right there with her and that she was being so brave and that it would be over soon. She’s such a good listener and direction follower that yes, she was still lying there with her mouth wide open for them but she was sobbing hard, and instinctively could not resist trying to move away. What first was a reassuring hand became my hands clutching her hands and my torso cradling her legs; partially for support, but really, mostly to restrain her. I was terrified that the drill was going to knick her.
I have never had to restrain Laurel physically before, and it took everything I had not to cry along with her. Even as I recount this episode now I have tears in my eyes. I spent the rest of the day cuddling Laurel like nobody’s business and I couldn’t shake the feeling of distress the rest of the day. I kept trying to snap myself out of it, reminding myself that this was nothing compared to the pain that other moms have experienced recently (my heart is in a million pieces for the families of Maddie and Thalon). It was still hard. I guess experience is all relative.
Laurel’s reality, of course, was rather different. By the time we left the building she appeared to have shaken off the whole thing and was already asking about what we were up to next. I hope I can carry her attitude to the next two visits. @FairlyOddMother pointed out this morning that her kids’ dentist said, “Some kids have crap for teeth - don’t blame yourself” and I am trying really, really hard not to blame myself. That just doesn’t come easy to me.
May 8th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
OH MY GOD. We had the SAME EXPERIENCE TO THE T! Scarlett got x-ray’s last week and 4 cavities — two on each side on bottom (molars!) I have crap teeth but I had the same reaction (starting with WTF, she is turning 5 how is this possible) and add the guilt of an ex-husband who thinks most things that go wrong are my fault! Scarlett was more dramatic than laurel and got up from the chair, and I had to be REMOVED from the room by the dentist until he got control of the situation. It was awful. Then we had to come back two weeks later for a second visit, and we had 45 minutes of crying when I finally told her where we were going at the last possible moment. Tried to make Dad take her but realized that was not good for anyone — so I went a long and mercifully, after the promise of a build a bear (I know I am a bad mom) if she could be super brave. She was a trooper. I have banned, juice, crackers, and gummies from our house (or at least I am trying hard to live up to that ideal) and she is much more intune with the need to brush often and limit sweets. I think it was a much worse experience for me than her but god I never want to do this again. Brings back very bad memories from my childhood and lots of time in that chair….thanks for sharing Christine.
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May 8th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
Christine–both because I am a mom and because I have met Laurel (and joined her fan club), I was upset reading this. Mainly the picture you painted of her cooperating by keeping her mouth wide open while sobbing. Sobbing! I could so envision it.She is such a wonderful little girl. And I, too, had trusting and stoic toddler/preschoolers. BUT you need to be a big girl and recognize that your bad dental genes are not your responsibility. It is extreme for a four year old to have cavities, perhaps, but since most little ones are terrible at brushing, and they don’t get cavities, this situation is really back to the nasty genes. Not YOU! Let her have the mangoes and pineapples! OK maybe start flossing but my kids are 14, 17, and 20 and floss has not entered their vocabulary, much less their daily practice. And they got lucky with the dental genes. It’s just luck. Not me. Not you.
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May 10th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
I do think my 2nd got the “crap teeth” out of my 3 kids, but I also blame her fall-asleep-with-the-bottle habit as a baby/toddler (which I allowed). We had a rough time for a while—she’s had EIGHT cavities and two abscessed teeth pulled (all baby teeth), so I am a nut know for the whole tooth routine—brush in AM & PM, and flouride at night, and yes, we floss every single night. It’s such a pain, but since those awful months (where I also had to hold her down–ugh), she has had a whole string of perfect dental visits. So, it’s possible to turn it around! I held my breath as her 2nd teeth have started to come in, but so far (knock on wood), so good.
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May 10th, 2009 at 8:51 pm
C, you reminded me — we’ve been wondering whether the milk cup sippy (which Laurel used for a while as a toddler to help her get to sleep) contributed to the problem. We knew it was stupid - what was the point of brushing her teeth then giving her milk? - but it made bedtime easier. We’ve been long past that, but still wonder.
Yes, ever since the visit we have been really on the routine. Flossing and flouride every night. I can hardly believe I’m doing this with a 4yo. I’m hoping we have the same positive results as you do and I so can’t wait for a “do over” when the all of these teeth fall out and her grownup ones come in!
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May 12th, 2009 at 10:54 pm
You’re a good mommy. I sent my husband to take my daughter to get her cavities filled.
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May 20th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
Q had THREE at her visit. One between her front teeth and one in a couple of her molars. I was mortified.
We’ve since invested in the flossing things, but I admit, doing it every night is hard for me (I’m alone with all three so much).
Anyway, the dentist was super nice and just asked if she eats a lot of candy (which she really doesn’t - comparatively speaking). And she said it wasn’t juice or anything (which she drinks but we cut down by around 60-70% with water).
So, who knows? But I dread the next time.
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June 19th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
[...] of fruits and veggies because in general I want to be a healthy person and decrease my risk of cavities. It occurred to me that this very well may be as good as it [...]
February 23rd, 2010 at 10:07 pm
Heartbreaking drilling story! Ahhh. I can’t imagine. We thankfully had no cavities and yes seriously I would NEVER floss Kenzie’s teeth. Even after this visit and advice and the “free floss” they give you. It all came from Kenzie being excited to give a try. Looks like I am going to be making this part of our routine huh? Poor Laurel. Kids are so resilient at least. xo colleen
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March 12th, 2011 at 9:10 am
[...] …Laurel being found cavity-free at her dentist appointment (believe me, we have suffered in the past). [...]