It’s been a crazy couple of weeks, so I’ve been remiss on commenting about the news that Sasha Cohen has officially declared her comeback. As I wrote following the World Championships Cohen has struggled against her demons in the past, but I am definitely excited about her run for Vancouver. I saw Cohen skate at Stars on Ice in Boston and while that’s not the sort of show where you pull out all the technical stops, she was - per usual - beautiful to watch (no amount of shredding will ever allow me to be that ridiculously flexible!). Here’s to hoping that her maturity and perspective will allow her to shake her old jitters and just go out and do what she does best. Welcome back, Sasha!

Like I need another thing to have mom guilt over.

Last week Laurel and I went to the dentist. Remarkably, she was excited to go (they offer princess toothbrushes). She even was OK going in the chair this time without sitting on my lap (required since she needed to get her first x-rays). Everything was puppy dogs and unicorns until the x-rays came back and showed that she had THREE CAVITIES. After my initial silent response of “WTF? She is 4 years old!” I felt:

Reaction #1: Shame. The dentist and hygienist were not judgmental in the least but I felt as if the scarlet letter of oral hygiene was draped around my neck.

Reaction #2: Guilt. Bad mommy for not flossing Laurel’s teeth like they told me to at the last checkup. Bad mommy for not launching my curb the sweets campaign earlier.

Reaction #3: Injustice. Why oh why are Jon and my families prone to head’s full of excessive teeth (he needed 6 extracted as a kid, I needed at least 2-3…the tightness of Laurel’s teeth is part of the issue; the cavities are all between molars)? And why oh why does my daughter love mangoes and pineapples and other various foods that shred and get stuck between teeth and thus lead to cavities if not properly flossed out? And how oh how could this possibly be happening to my 4 year old when I didn’t go to the dentist until middle school (we didn’t have insurance) and everything worked out OK?

I wallowed in my feelings of shame, guilt, and injustice for the week leading up to our return visit (yesterday) to get the first cavity dealt with. Laurel was actually pretty relaxed going into it, and then things started to go south:

First: the topical numbing treatment. She definitely did not like the taste of this.

Second: the novacaine. Laurel was so brave when they gave it to her, but when she sat up to let the novacaine kick in her eyes were watering and she looked at me with this “Mommy, why did you let them do that to me?” look (insert sound of heart shattering).

Third: the drilling. Working really hard to unclench my body when my teeth are getting drilled is one thing. Watching Laurel’s tiny body on that big dental chair with all sorts of crap hanging out of her mouth and the drill going at her is a complete other thing. And then the writhing started. I immediately crawled under the arm of the dental chair and put my hand on Laurel’s hand, telling her I was right there with her and that she was being so brave and that it would be over soon. She’s such a good listener and direction follower that yes, she was still lying there with her mouth wide open for them but she was sobbing hard, and instinctively could not resist trying to move away. What first was a reassuring hand became my hands clutching her hands and my torso cradling her legs; partially for support, but really, mostly to restrain her. I was terrified that the drill was going to knick her.

I have never had to restrain Laurel physically before, and it took everything I had not to cry along with her. Even as I recount this episode now I have tears in my eyes. I spent the rest of the day cuddling Laurel like nobody’s business and I couldn’t shake the feeling of distress the rest of the day. I kept trying to snap myself out of it, reminding myself that this was nothing compared to the pain that other moms have experienced recently (my heart is in a million pieces for the families of Maddie and Thalon). It was still hard. I guess experience is all relative.

Laurel’s reality, of course, was rather different. By the time we left the building she appeared to have shaken off the whole thing and was already asking about what we were up to next. I hope I can carry her attitude to the next two visits. @FairlyOddMother pointed out this morning that her kids’ dentist said, “Some kids have crap for teeth - don’t blame yourself” and I am trying really, really hard not to blame myself. That just doesn’t come easy to me.

If it weren’t for how much better my clothes are fitting, I’d say that it’s hard to believe that the April Shredhead challenge is over. I’m a little late on reporting in but here goes.

First, please note that my data is qualitative not quantitative. Ever since I ditched the Worst Boyfriend Ever who drove me to the brink of an eating disorder, I don’t bother with scales, instead using how my clothes fit as a measure of where I’m at. Here’s my history though:

1. I was one of the lucky ones who dropped my pregnancy weight and then some very quickly after delivery, probably due to the fact that all Laurel wanted to do as a baby was nurse or have me walk endlessly around the neighborhood with her in a sling. From my post-partum checkup, I was probably around the mid-120’s in weight (pre-pregnancy I was about 130).

2. After I finished nursing at 13 months, my weight slowly started to creep up and I couldn’t shake it. My clothing (size 6) was growing very snug. I bought some size 8 pieces, which sometimes fit or were sometimes too loose (I really needed a 7) but 6 just wasn’t totally comfortable. I suspect I was probably closer to or over 140 lbs.

3. I started the Shredheads in March and continued on in April. You can read my accounts in the self-care thread. In March I was shredding almost daily then got knocked over by a wicked cold and was out of commission for a week. In April I found my needs best met with Jillian’s Boost Metabolism and No More Trouble Zones programs. These are longer programs (about 60 minutes) and I did them 4 times a week.

4. In mid-April I also got sick of being wed to sugar; I was eating dessert every day (no wonder I was having problems shaking the weight). I decided to limit myself to dessert once a week or not at all. I was surprised by how easy it was to do that.

Now, on to the photos, though I should first give kudos to the folks who shared their true before pictures. Now that I’m where I am I wish I had had the balls to take pictures at the beginning of March.

In the spirit of Perez Hilton, here’s my best estimate of what I looked like at the beginning of March:

Beginning of April, with illustration to represent beginning of March status

Here’s the un-edited version of the photo, beginning of April. I definitely lost my muffin as a result of the March challenge (woo!!) but I still felt kind of solid around the middle and through the thighs. It was at this point where I moved to Jillian’s longer programs so I could get more cardio to try to trim down.

Beginning of April, after 1 month on the shred

And here’s me at the end of April. Sorry I didn’t manage to wear the same workout top (it was stinky from the previous day’s workout) but the pants are the same. Not a huge difference but I think in the front picture my waist, thighs, and hips actually look trimmer compared to the beginning of April photo.

End of April

What the photos can’t capture is this:

My clothes are feeling way better. My tummy is definitely smaller. I have more energy and feel more lighthearted about things. I eat way less sugar. Most importantly, I am prioritizing myself for a change.

So what’s next?

The Shredhead leaders are going for a 5K and sadly, I can’t join them on that. I’ve tried - many times - but I’m just not built to run. BUT, I am setting a little challenge for myself. I would like to march on with the shred and focus on the thigh and butt area this month — attempting to trim down the thighs some more (I have one particular pair of pants that I want to get back into that I’m using as a benchmark) and do what may be impossible: give a little booty lift to my kinda flat Asian butt.

Honestly, I’m not sure if the latter is possible. Even in my seriously fit days I didn’t have much of a butt, but let’s see how it goes!